The Sweet Sundays

Find Your State

2011-10-24T01:04:00.001-04:00

Back in 2008, I set a goal to one day visit every country in the world. With a goal as lofty as that, I promised myself I’d never travel to the same place twice.

And then I met Chicago.

To say I love Chicago would be an understatement. Last weekend, I made my way out to the Windy City for- count it- the ninth time this year. It’s fair to say I’m past the honeymoon stage and I'm ready for engagement. This is the real deal.

Of all the questions I’ve been asked this year, the one I’ve probably gotten asked the most is “Why Chicago?” And just the way anyone truly in love would respond, all I can say is, “When you know, you know.”

For a whole set of reasons that make both complete and no sense, I light up whenever I make my way out to Illinois. Chicago is exciting, calming, challenging, fun, fulfilling, and a breath of fresh air. And the more I visit, the more enamored by the place I become. Native New Yorker and all, that’s how I know it’s the place for me.

Here’s one of the biggest lessons Chicago has taught me so far:

You have to find your state. I don’t mean state as in “choose one from these fifty.” I mean the state of mind that makes you come alive. For some people, it’s the state of calm. For others, it’s the state of hopeful anticipation. Maybe for you it’s the state of love or amusement.

For me, it’s excitement. I’m at my best when I’m excited about where I am, what I’m doing and who I’m with. Chicago happens to be a place that really excites me. And as a result, I light up whenever I’m there. In Chi town, I feel more energized, joyful, and happy.

What’s your state? What feeling brings out the best in you? When are you happiest?

Once you’ve identified what that is- look for the people, places, work and situations that bring out the best “state” in you. Then go build those relationships, move to that place, take on the work that inspires you, and put yourself in situations where you know you’ll be happy and shine.

If you don’t absolutely love the person you are in a relationship with, the friends that you have, the work that you do, the city you live in or the activities you spend time on, what are you doing? Now is the time to change. Life is too short to be spent in a state of “so-so” or “good enough.”

Live bold. Live on purpose. Live in your best state.

My name is Melissa, and my state of choice is excitement. And Illinois.

What’s yours?

#TheGame

2011-10-10T14:04:00.003-04:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately. More specifically, I’ve been thinking about the possibility and process of finding the “love of your life.” It’s a topic that’s piqued my curiosity in the past- but lately, it has crept its way into even my most casual conversations with people.

One recurring theme I heard in these conversations about love was the notion of “The Game.” If you’re human, you know exactly what I'm talking about. It includes absurd ideas like: “When you’re interested in someone, don’t call for three days- you’ll seem desperate,” or “Fill up your social calendar so you aren’t too available,” or “Flirt with other people in front of the person you like to make him/her jealous.”

We get the same message from our friends, the opposite sex, and the media: “If you want someone to be interested in you, you have to play The Game.”

I heard this from so many people that I (insert look of extreme embarrassment here) started to believe it. I may or may not have even road tested a few “game” theories myself. Did it get a guy or two to call back? Sure. But those acts of “gaming” in relationships- however small- seemed incredibly disingenuous. I couldn’t shake the feeling that no matter how many people were trying to convince me otherwise, The Game was a ruse.

I haven’t met the love of my life yet. But I’m confident that one day, I will. And I am equally as confident that I will not win him over by taking days to answer his texts, making pretend I’m booked solid for two weeks straight, or flirting up a storm with other men in front of him. It's not who I am, and it's not who I want to be.

Here's the reality we are afraid to admit: the moment we decide to play The Game is the moment we choose to diverge from being our authentic selves. The only reason the idea is so prevalent in the first place? Because it makes love less scary. It’s a way of shielding ourselves from the pain of rejection- to ensure that we have some upper hand in doing the rejecting - or at the very least, can rationalize and insulate ourselves through the pain should the tables turn.

Love is scary. On the grand scale of risk and reward, love is high up there on both accounts. By choosing to be open to love, we risk everything. Because falling in love = possible rejection = loneliness & pain. But the other option is this: not being open to loving people = guaranteed loneliness & pain. So which is it? which one of the two will you choose?

When it comes to relationships, we get so mired in fear and games that we often miss the point: that the most important thing is to be completely, fully and unabashedly ourselves.

When you meet someone you genuinely like,

Call whenever you feel compelled to do so.
Answer as soon as you want.
Be open to the possibility of love.
Be willing to face rejection and not take it personally.
Be honest and genuine.
Give the person sharing time and space with you a chance to really get to know you.
Don’t put the rest of your life on hold...
But understand that no matter how busy you are, you can always find time for the people you love. Believe in that. Make the time when you find someone worth making the time for.

Maybe some people will lose interest or be turned off by you. Maybe they won’t call you back. Maybe it won’t last beyond a few dates. And that’s OK. They just weren’t the best fit for you, and you don't need to waste any more of your time worrying about them.

If you want to find the love of your life, all you need to do is be who you are. Because the love of your life is the person who will accept, cherish, and love you right back for being just that: who you are. No game necessary. But somewhere inside your heart you already knew that, didn't you?

Love,
Melissa

The Scary Choices Are the Most Worthwhile

2011-10-04T15:41:00.003-04:00

Check out my post this week at revolution.is on choosing passion over security!

Life is Like a Half Marathon

2011-09-26T09:59:00.003-04:00

Earlier this month, I ran my first half marathon in Chicago. Which is absolutely crazy because I can vividly remember a time when running even just one mile before high school basketball practice felt like an eternity. In my mind, nothing could be more uncomfortable or pointless than the act of running. But somehow, one mile at a time ever since, I have grown to love it.

As I signed up for races over the years, my internal dialogue went something like this:

Before my first 5K: “There is no way I can run that far.”
Before my first 10K: “There is no way I can run that far.”
Before my first 15K: “There is no way I can run that far.”

So of course, as I was training for the Chicago Half Marathon, the very same thought went through my head. But one simple question pushed me forward: “…Or can I?” That question kept me training. And that training got me to the starting line of this race a few weeks ago.

As I was running, I realized (13.1 miles provides you with ample time to think about some really random things): Life is like a half marathon.

In order to succeed, you need to…

- Mentally and physically train yourself to be the best you can be.
- Understand that the very beginning and very end are always the hardest two points on any journey- and choose to push through them anyway.
- Slow down to take a breath when you trip up or break down.
- Stay hydrated all the time. It’ll help you avoid brutal hangovers and other questionable decisions.
- Go at your own pace and do what feels right for you- no matter how fast or slow everyone else around you is going.
- Find your cheerleaders- the people on the sidelines who motivate you, cheer you on…even hold up goofy neon signs if need be. They are the people who believe in you and what you stand for. And in your weakest moments, they are the ones who keep you moving forward.

But perhaps the biggest way in which life is like a half marathon? In both a race and in life, you've got to strive to accomplish the things you think are impossible- the possibilities that make you say, “There’s no way.”

We have a tendency to avoid or run from the work it would take to make an “impossible” dream come true. But the truth is that there’s always a way. There’s always a possibility.

Christopher Reeves once said, “ At first, dreams seem impossible, then improbable, and eventually, inevitable.” If we only allowed ourselves to start the work it would take to make our dreams come true, I’m certain we’d live our way into the heart, soul and truth of that quote.

The outcomes we deem “impossible” are the very outcomes that will change the world and change our lives. So what are you waiting for? Chase after the impossible.

The moment you begin, you’ll see the situation change before your very eyes from “impossible” into “I’m possible.” And that is one of the best feelings in the world.

I chased after the impossibility of running a 5K. Then a 10K. Then a 15K. That chase got me to the finish line of my first half marathon- a distance I once thought was impossible for me to run.

Will I attempt to run a full marathon now? No, no. There’s definitely no way I could run that far.

...Or can I?

Love,

Melissa

Hurricanes & Facebook Feeds

2011-08-29T02:13:00.005-04:00

Something became glaringly clear to me in the wake of both Hurricane Irene and the earthquake earlier this week down in Virginia- both of which were felt all along the east coast.

People have an intense desire to share.

It was hard to ignore the overwhelming commentary on these natural disasters as I scrolled down my Twitter stream and Facebook feed. The comments ranged from illuminating to daft to laugh-out-loud funny. But it wasn’t the individual comments that ultimately stood out to me- it was the sense of collective culture and shared experience among them.

If you think about it, that’s why social networks like Twitter and Facebook have become so wildly successful to begin with- they provide a medium through which we can share with our chosen tribe of followers and friends. In the process of sharing, receiving feedback on what we share and responding to what others share with us, we develop something that is directly tied to our level of happiness: our sense of belongingness.

It doesn’t even always matter what we say. We just want to say something- anything- that keeps us in the conversation. We find our own unique ways to be relevant and expressive. Through humor, metaphors, quotes, random thoughts, photographs and links, we share.

I’ve heard a lot of people say that we share so much because we are self-absorbed. But I think in many cases, almost the exact opposite is true. We share because we have an intense desire to be part of something bigger than ourselves. We share because we want to mean something to people other than ourselves.

This intense desire- this need- to belong is why we all had to comment on Irene. Irene was a shared experience; and in commenting on that shared experience, we solidified our belonging to it- as well our belonging to the group of people who experienced it with us.

Whether in person, over Skype or on a Facebook feed, when we look at what people share through a “belongingness” lens, things start to look very different. Instead of automatically creating divisiveness and distance between others and ourselves, we begin to see an overarching commonality: the desire to belong- to one another, to the world.

It is beautiful to see that commonality affirmed with every link, picture, post and tweet. It is beautiful to see that thread of sameness- to recognize that we are all part of something much bigger than our individual selves.

It is our undeniable and inescapable belongingness to one another that makes me confident in the beauty and goodness of the future we share. Because when we feel and know we belong, together we can brave even the strongest earthquakes and hurricanes.

Much Love,
Melissa

Don't Ask Your Single Friend for Love Advice

2011-08-22T03:04:00.005-04:00

“ Should I make chicken or steak for dinner?”
“ How does this outfit look on me?”
“ Do I go the corporate or entrepreneurial route in my career?”
“ How would you solve this business problem?”
“ Do you think she is the right girl for me?”
“ Should I listen to my head or my heart?”

These are just several of the many requests for advice I overheard this past week alone.

We sure ask for a lot of advice from a lot of different people, don’t we?

Just listen for it this week. Listen to how often people ask you for advice. And likewise, pay attention to how often you ask for advice from others. I bet there isn’t a day that goes by where you don’t get asked for your opinion or request someone else’s.

When we are struggling with a decision or a dilemma, sometimes we tell whoever we can reach the fastest, whoever will listen. Other times, we ask for advice in casual conversation- not because we don’t have a sense of what we should do, but because we want reassurance or the ability to talk a situation through out loud. We’ve all done it. But it’s time to be more mindful of who we ask for advice from.

Why?

For one thing, advice sways action. Even if we think we can weed our way through good and bad advice, it’s quite difficult for any piece of advice not to impact us on some level. Advice either introduces new thought or reinforces old thought in a new way. We cannot help but be influenced by it. And even if the advice giver is well intentioned, we often cannot predict whether the advice we receive will rub off on us in a positive or counterproductive way.

The other reason is that people tend to give advice based on their own personal, limited history. They tell us what we should do based on their own set of beliefs, values and experiences. They offer guidance given what they would do or have actually done in similar situations in the past.

Have you ever asked for relationship advice from a friend that you trust- but doesn't at all have the kind of love life you want? Have you ever received career advice from colleagues who are just as- if not more- confused or unhappy with their own careers? While we may love, respect and appreciate these people, will their advice really help us make the best decisions in our own lives? Chances are, probably not.

So...

Be strategic about who you ask for advice from. It matters. Stick to asking for advice from those who you aspire to grow like in some way, shape or form. Advice from anyone else is noise at best, and unfavorably influential at worst.

Don’t ask for love advice from your unhappily single best friend. Ask your grandparents who have been (mostly) happily married for 50 years instead.

Don’t ask for advice about your next career move from a co-worker who is struggling to make his/her own. Ask a peer who has built a successful career in a similar industry.

Don’t ask for advice on how to deal with a delicate situation from a friend who is typically more blunt and in-your-face than you’d prefer to be. Ask someone who's communication style and problem solving ability you admire.

And don’t ask for advice at all when you already know what you should do. Trust yourself. Because ultimately, no amount of external advice can trump the advice of your own soul.

Much Love,
Melissa

Caught Up In A Moment

2011-08-15T01:17:00.004-04:00

While at Lollapalooza in Chicago last weekend, I caught a band called City and Colour (amazing, by the way, check them out). Before performing one of the songs, the lead singer said, “Just for this one, put down your Blackberries and iPhones. Please don’t worry about tweeting where you are, posting a picture on Facebook or texting your friends. Sometimes, we get so caught up in trying to remember the moment that we forget to be in it.”

…Sometimes we get so caught up in trying to remember the moment that we forget to be in it. How true is that? It goes without saying that there are both great and not-so-great things that come along with technology and social media. That’s the case with really anything in life. But, one thing that has changed is our ability to just be caught in a moment.

Whenever we see something beautiful, there is this urge to snap a picture and post it on Facebook- we rarely stop to simply be in awe of whatever it is we are looking at. When we find a great article, we immediately tweet it out to our followers- sometimes before we even read the whole thing through or think about what it means to us. At concerts, we are too busy recording a video rather than just being swept up in the emotion and meaning of a song.

How liberating would it be to get back to a place where we really experienced, felt and appreciated our moments in life? How much depth and authenticity could we add back into our most precious relationships if we stopped checking our phones every five minutes, avoided texting at the dinner table and met up with people more often than we emailed them?

In this crazy, frenetic world of constant connection and technological advancement, it is becoming increasingly harder to shut it all off, clear our minds and focus on what matters most- being caught up in the moments that give our lives true context and meaning.

You want your life back?

Just shut off your phone for a day.
Shut off your laptop for two.
Meet a friend to talk over coffee instead of G-Chat.
The next time a co-worker swings by to have a conversation, look at that person instead of down at your inbox.
Refrain from using Facebook to have serious conversations that are better reserved for a phone or face-to-face interaction.
Go play outside.
Close your eyes.
Dream a while.
Smile!

No picture, text, tweet or email could ever take the place of being completely caught up in a beautiful, real moment.

So be caught up in as many moments as you can, every single day. And don’t worry about recording your entire life along the way- because the moments that are truly meaningful are inherently unforgettable. No camera, phone, Twitter feed or Facebook page required.

Much Love,
Melissa

Rainbow Sunsets

2011-07-25T10:11:00.006-04:00

I was on a plane coming back from Chicago a few weekends ago and caught the most stunning rainbow-colored sunset. As I looked out the airplane window, the symbolism of daylight, nighttime and sunset in the context of personal relationships became strikingly apparent.

Over the course of relationships with people we love, there are moments of light, clarity and joy. They are the moments that fill us up and truly make this life worthwhile. And then, there are inevitably moments of darkness and hardship. There are moments when we discover that we just need to give a particular relationship a rest- whether temporarily or indefinitely.

It’s the “sunsets” of relationships, though, that most intrigue me. Those moments of in between- of uncertainty about exactly what role two people should play in each other’s lives- are quite telling. How two people deal with the sunset moments exposes the depth and color of the relationship they share. It’s when you can quite readily see the dance two people do- how they move with one another, how they transition. Since much of life consists of change and transition, any lasting relationship must be able to navigate through ambiguity with grace and trust. So, it is the moments of uncertainty that reveal the strength of the love and bond between two people.

Watching this particular sunset was a reminder that transition and uncertainty are inevitable. As uncomfortable as those moments can be, we must let them occur. We cannot avoid them, push them away, pretend they don’t exist. We have to let relationships change and take their natural shape- even if they do not wind up looking or feeling exactly as we imagined they would. It won’t always be easy. It won’t always be hard. Relationships are never static- and so how one looked and felt when it started will evolve into something possibly quite different over time.

When we allow ourselves to move past the discomfort that comes along with ambiguity, that's when things become surprisingly clear. That's when relationships grow and flourish. And challenging as they may be, the periods of transition- the sunsets- are often when beautiful rainbows appear.

Love,
Melissa

Reunited and It Feels So...Introspective?

2011-07-11T13:20:00.002-04:00

This was one reunion-filled weekend. Friday night, I had an elementary school reunion (yes, you read that correctly, elementary school). Then, I spent Saturday and Sunday with a bunch of great college friends for our annual “Hamilton in the Hamptons” weekend.

It is so much fun to catch up and reconnect with people whom you haven’t seen in a while. But another reason why reunions are great: they cue self-reflection. You cannot help but think back to where you were -1 year ago, 5 years ago, 15 years ago- when you see people you shared some significant time with in the past. Reunions remind you of how far you’ve come.

But they also remind you that no matter where you’re going next, you shouldn’t ever forget where you’ve come from, what you’ve experienced or the people who were part of your life- ones who, in ways big or small, helped shape the person you are today.

It’s a really intricate balance: the ability to recall the past and remember the people and things that were so much a part of our lives, but also to move ahead and not let the past define who we can be and what we can do in the future. Reunions- whether big, organized get-togethers or accidental run-ins with people we knew long ago- are reminders to stop and reflect on who we’ve been and where we are going next. They remind us that change is not only possible but inevitable. They remind us that we are a product of circumstance, old choices and past relationships; but also of the dreams and goals we have for the future.

The next time you have a reunion of your own, take a moment and think about where you've been and how far you’ve come- and as a result, why there should be no doubt at all about how far you’re capable of going.

99 Others

2011-06-27T02:16:00.005-04:00

When you think about the most inspiring leaders in the world, who comes to mind?

Some of the people on my list- and I’d guess many other people’s lists- would be: Oprah, Barack Obama, Sheryl Sandberg, Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Steve Jobs, Arianna Huffington, Nelson Mandela and The Dalai Lama.

There is no doubt about it: the people listed above are some of the most inspiring people in the world. They have all generated significant change and inspired millions of others along the way through their words and actions. But here is another crazy commonality they share: they’ve all really pissed people off.

Perhaps it was the result of a controversial talk show episode, a bold acquisition deal, an economic policy or a strong stance on apartheid. Whatever the reason, most of the people we consider to be inspiring today have made decisions and shared opinions that greatly unnerved some people in the past.

So what makes them inspiring nonetheless?

People are inspiring when they are true to who they are- and actively live that truth every day. They have a keen sense of how they can contribute in the world, and they act with the intention of making the world a better place. Inspiring leaders are those who stand up in the face of opposition and rally for change. They are the people who question the assumptions, challenge the status quo and believe the "impossible" is possible.

The most revolutionary leaders of our time aren’t inspiring because they didn’t piss people off. They are inspiring because they did things that were bold enough to elicit emotion in others. They believed in change. They started movements. They got people to think about things in a different way. Some people got angry with them for it. They pressed on anyway. And as a result, they have become some of the most inspirational, prolific and moving figures of our time.

In a way, the bigger your dreams, goals, actions…the more likely you are to piss someone off. Sometimes, it’ll be because people take themselves too seriously or take what you do or say too personally. Other times, it’ll be because people genuinely disagree with your core values and beliefs. Whatever the case, if you are out there looking to do big things in the world, remember this: you are going to piss people off while you do them. So you can either:

1.) Let the fear of pissing people off hold you back.

2.) Get over it.

So long as you take into consideration the general effect you’ll have on people with your words or actions; so long as you are honest with yourself and others; so long as you speak and live your personal truth; and so long as you embrace the world and all of the people in it, you've got to relax and trust that everything else will sort itself out. It always does.

Figure out how to learn from the feedback- good and bad- and then move on. Figure out what is personal and what is not. Learn to take the appropriate things seriously. And learn to take everything else with a grain of salt.

While the goal should never be to piss people off for the sake of it, don’t let the fear of doing so deter you from living your best life or leaving an indelible mark on the world. Because for every one person you piss off, there are 99 others who are thankful for your honesty, passion, creativity, commitment and love. There are 99 others who find you inspiring.

And it’s the 99 others that count.

Cookies & Work

2011-06-19T23:32:00.005-04:00

Let’s talk about work.

I have been fortunate enough (or unfortunate enough, depending on how you look at it), to survive Corporate America for close to three years now. And I’ve learned a bunch of lessons about work as a result. The lessons include the following:

Work makes you fat.
I don’t know what it is about the work setting. Maybe it’s the florescent lights or the missed lunches because “the-day-just-ran-away-from-me-again." Maybe it's the peer pressure to be a "team player" and eat yet another cupcake in celebration of the newest office birthday, anniversary, marriage, birth, etc. But for some reason, disgustingly greasy potato chips, stale chocolate chip cookies and two-bite brownies (or seven-bite brownies…whatever) are so much more appealing between the M-F, 9-5 hours.

Work completely obliterates the coffee snob in you.
I really love coffee- to the point of possible addiction. So, I gave it up for Lent earlier this year thinking it might serve as some sort of coffee rehab. That assumption was false. I had jitters and headaches for 40 days straight. The point being, I drink enough coffee now to discern the good from the bad. No matter how much I appreciate and savor a really good cup of joe on Sunday mornings, my coffee sensibilities go completely out the window by Tuesday at around 3 p.m. Green Mountain single pods start looking like the Ryan Reynolds of coffee. Which is to say, the Most. Delicious. Thing. Ever.

Work is like visiting family for the holidays.
There’s small talk, awkward silence, the occasional bruised ego…and, whether it be a turkey or a work project, something always seems to be going up in flames. But at the end of the day, you sit around a big table and realize that you are all tied together. Maybe it’s by a DNA string, maybe it’s by a shared work passion. Either way, you have a bond with these people, no matter how seemingly different you all are. And that makes them kind of special. Or crazy. Or crazy special.

Work matters.
Here’s the main point of this Sweet Sunday: Work Matters. You are at work most of your waking hours. You see your colleagues more than you see your family and friends. You sit at your desk more often than you sit in your house. So don’t choose to be somewhere just because it covers the bills. Or because the job title is prestigious. Or because you think you need to pay your dues.

Instead, find work that you are absolutely in love with. Find a culture where the people you work with aren’t just your friends- they are an extension of your family. Work with people that you don't mind eating stale cookies and drinking bad coffee for.

Find a job that allows and encourages you to be creative, take risks, and make “unreasonable” decisions. Because to be honest, the “crazy” ideas are the only ones that make history. Find the career that gets you out of bed with excitement at 8 am. Or 7 am. Or 4 am. Do the work you know in your heart you were born to do. That’s where you’ll find energy, passion, love. That’s where you’ll find true joy.

Work to change the world in your own unique way- you've got too much to offer to work at anything less.

It Won't Turn Out the Way You Thought

2011-06-15T10:29:00.005-04:00

I stumbled upon Kate Northrup's "The Freedom Tour," and wanted to share one of her blog posts with you all. Here's a snippet:

You won’t do it at the right time.
You’ll be late.
You’ll be early.
You’ll get re-routed.
You’ll get delayed.
You’ll change your mind.
You’ll change your heart.
It’s not going to turn out the way you thought it would.
It will be better.

...and you can find the rest of the inspiring post HERE.

Why Plans Are Dumb

2011-06-13T00:59:00.003-04:00

Someone recently asked me, “Melissa, what’s your five-year plan?” To be honest, I don’t have one. I have big dreams and clear goals, but no plan.

Don’t get me wrong. I really like the idea of plans. I’ve always enjoyed thinking about the future, and the surge of inspiration that comes while writing out what I “plan” to have happen in my life. And whether you care to admit it or not, I’m willing to bet that you like plans, too. Because life can be kind of (if not completely) insane and plans provide us with structure. They make us feel a little bit more in control.

But beyond our personal emotions, actions and reactions, the notion of full-control over much else is illusory. Yes, there’s a chance our plans will work out just fine. But there’s also a chance they won’t.

And that’s the problem with plans: whenever we make them, we are essentially betting on the coalescence of numerous factors- most of which we have no control over. And so, the chances of our plans working out exactly as we imagine they will are pretty slim.

Moreover, in the process of making plans, we build an inherent set of expectations; and when things don’t work out exactly as we hope (which is often the case), some level of disappointment exists.

Beyond that, plans also create “blinders.” The moment we form a plan, we become intensely focused on how we think things need to happen. In the process, we miss out on so, so many possibilities and opportunities that would more effectively help us achieve the goals behind our plans.

Dreams and goals are ridiculously important. Create lots of them, every single day. But don’t confuse them with plans.

Plans are dumb and, except in the very short term (i.e. planning on a time and location to meet someone, scheduling a necessary meeting, etc.), pretty pointless because too many factors are bound to change along the way.

So don’t waste your time making plans.

Just figure out what you’re living for.

Dream about what makes you come alive.

Go set some amazing, unreasonable goals based on those dreams.

Then get committed to making your goals come true- however, whenever, wherever and with whomever they need to happen.

The rest will unravel itself- no five-year plan required.

Much Love,
Melissa

Your Dream Life & Two Choices

2011-06-06T09:45:00.001-04:00

Imagine your dream life. No, seriously. Go grab a sheet of paper, and write down what your life would look like if you could have it be any way you wanted. What would you want your…

* Health
* Career
* Family
* Friendships
* Love Life
* Home
* Community Work
* Free Time

...to be like?

Before you keep reading this post, please truly give the above some thought and write out what you are dreaming of- what you most want- in and for your life. Don’t worry, I’ll wait here while you do.

…Got it?

Okay. So, now comes the big question: What’s standing in the way of you having that life?

I can just imagine what you are thinking right now: “Easier said than done,” “I can’t get my foot in the door of the industry I want to work in,” “I don’t have enough money to move to where I want to be,” “I haven’t met the right person,” “I’m not pretty/smart/thin/tall/rich/whatever enough,” Yadda. Yadda. Yadda. I know, because I too have let myself off the hook with one or more of these excuses before.

Why are we so good at giving ourselves permission to not chase after our dreams?

It comes down to one very simple but incredibly powerful thing: fear. And with that one powerful thing, you have exactly two choices:

1.) Let the fear stop you.
2.) Don't let the fear stop you.

Every moment of fear is a chance to make one of these two choices.

Maybe today you put off sending your resume in for that job you really want because you don’t think you’ll ever get it. Or, you walked away from a potentially amazing relationship because you are afraid of being vulnerable. Or perhaps you decided to wait until tomorrow to exercise/eat better because, well, you'd rather eat chocolate ice cream and watch movies than run five miles.

What do all of these choices have in common? They stem from fear- of rejection, heartbreak, pain, failure.

Yes, it is momentarily easier to make choices that don’t require you to actively work through your biggest fears. You get to be comfortable. You get to avoid holding yourself accountable. You get to be right about the excuses you create.

But how much do you want the life you are dreaming of?

If the chance to live out your dreams is worth you being uncomfortable, accountable and wrong every now and again, then there is really only one choice left for you to make:

Don’t let fear stop you from getting the life you dream of. It's yours for the taking if you really want it.

Love,
Melissa

Up In Flames

2010-12-06T11:30:00.004-05:00

If your house caught on fire, what would you take with you?
What, if you couldn’t take it, would you truly miss?

This past weekend, I had about 60 seconds to answer those questions when part of my apartment building caught on fire. Several floors had to be gutted and as a result of putting the fire out, there was extensive leaking throughout the building. Fortunately, I got out safe and my apartment was unharmed, with the exception of mild smoke fumes.

As I think back to Saturday morning, I recall what happened and how I felt in those initial heart-pounding moments, and in the moments thereafter as my neighbors rallied around one another in the cold New York City air, watching part of our building go up in flames.

It amazes me how people come together in times of tragedy and hardship, supporting, loving and leaning on each other in an indescribably moving way. As I stood outside the building with the people I share walls with, it really hit me: We need to experience hardship, and sometimes even tragedy. Without it, we are simply unable to gauge and appreciate how precious life is.

In a world where we expend so much energy building financial, physical and emotional fortresses around ourselves, experiencing hardship and tragedy reminds us of how fragile we are. When things don’t go our way or something unthinkable happens, we cannot help but stop and think about how life is full of constant and often unexpected change. Ironically, the fortresses we build to “protect” ourselves actually make us less nimble when we do try to adapt to the inevitable changes that come our way. The fire was a reminder that the best way to grow and experience happiness in the long run is to embrace moments of hardship and tragedy, rather than fear and resist them.

I also learned that you never quite know how you’ll react in traumatic situations until they are happening to you. The fire certainly reminded me that the more material stuff I have, the easier it is to lose sight of what is really important. And in the one minute I had to grab something and exit the building, it became astonishingly clear to me what really mattered.

As I reflected over the past few days, I really thought about those two questions:

If my house caught on fire, what would I take with me?
And what, if I couldn’t take it, would I truly miss?

I believe that for each of us, the answers to those two questions reveal what really matters and how we should be prioritizing our lives.

So, what did I take?

My laptop and my passport.

I chuckle, “Of course I’d take those two things.” I grabbed the laptop- for the thousands of pictures that remind me of my experiences and how I’ve grown, as well as for the several projects I’ve been working on that are of immense importance to me. And I grabbed my passport because culture, travel and exploration are among the things I value most.

What did I not take that I would truly miss?

It’s not the clothes, electronics or books- those are all easily replaceable. The only things I would likely miss are select pieces of jewelry that remind me of my family and travels, as well as my journals, which capture how I felt at various moments throughout my life in ways that my memory cannot regenerate on its own.

My answer to this question hinted at what really matters to me. It isn’t the stuff. What really matters are the people I love most- my family, my friends- and the profound experiences I’ve been fortunate enough to have throughout my life thus far.

In a world where it is easy to get distracted by superfluous day-to-day situations and stresses, experiencing the fire was an opportunity for me to reflect on what truly matters and to re-frame my priorities.

So my question to you is this:

What would you take if everything you owned was about to go up in flames?

How you answer that tough question may just provide you with the most important answer you’ll ever need.

Love Life,
Melissa

Awesome at Failure

2010-11-15T10:30:00.002-05:00

The theme of this past week for me was failure. There were a few instances in which I didn’t quite reach an intended goal, or get the response I was seeking from someone else. And, as I think many of us do, I began to get hyper self-critical and doubt my ideas, my dreams, and even some of my relationships.

In general, that’s sort of our natural reaction to instances of failure, isn’t it? We conjecture about our future capabilities based on past failures. We’ve all heard it (and done it) before: someone we know doesn't get hired for a job and automatically concludes, “I’ll never find work.” Or, a friend gets hurt in a relationship and vows to “never fall in love again.” To which we all chuckle and think, “Yeah…OK.”

In the heat of the moment, our response to failure is to shut down, close off, get angry, be defensive or just sit there and pout unproductively. Why? Because we live in a culture where worthiness is based on the accumulation and assessment of one’s past successes and failures. We are terrified of failing because we fear that our failures are indicative of our unworthiness.

The subtle message we are sent over and over again is that in order to be worthy- of a great career, a beautiful family, true love, great friends, financial stability- we need to avoid high-risk, high-probability-of-failure opportunities as much as possible. But, of course, the opportunities that require us to take the most risk and the biggest leap of faith are the ones that reap the kind of authentic, notable success that we all dream of acquiring.

Here’s the crazy catch: we’ve got to fail in order to succeed. The chances of achieving perfect success in any undertaking the first time around are slim-to-none. Thus, failure is the only way to really learn how to do things better. Put simply, failure is, more often than not, a prerequisite for success.

So, the best lesson I’ve learned after the week I just had is this: keep being totally awesome at failure. Keep stumbling, asking hard questions, questioning the assumptions, being emotional, pursing passions, staying honest, wearing your heart on your sleeve, taking risks, and making unconventional choices. Keep being you.

And, keep believing in your wildest dreams- even when the odds are stacked against you and others are doubting your sanity. Why? Because failure happens to those who are brave enough to live the boldest possible life.

Our failures teach us who we are, how we can become better, which of our relationships are genuine and genuinely matter. From failure, we learn the power that tenacity, determination and passion have in carrying us through some of our roughest moments in life.

So long as we can look for the lesson in- and learn from- our missteps and mistakes, we’ll be just fine. And when we look back one day, in the midst of our success, it will be apparent: our failures were some of the best things that could have ever happened to us.

Your Childhood Dreams

2010-10-25T01:36:00.004-04:00

When I was traveling this past weekend, I saw a young girl- probably about 7 or 8 years old- sitting next to her mom. In an effort to stay entertained, she began cutting different shapes out of paper napkins. As she finished making an impressively symmetrical star, she declared, “Look mom! I’m an AR-TEEEEST! "

As I watched her giggle and continue to happily make shapes out of napkin paper, I wondered:

- Will her mom encourage her to cultivate that artistic talent?
- Will this young girl grow up with the confidence to boldly pursue what she truly loves?
- Where will her life and talents take her?

I hope with all my heart that, as she grows, the young girl pursues her passions. Watching her brought me back to a particular certainty that, as we get older, tends to slip away from many of us:

We are all meant to do something truly great.

Have you ever met people who were doing what they absolutely loved? They operate on a completely different level, don’t they? There is just this glow about them that makes us unable to turn away. We are compelled to take notice- to admire, to aspire, and to dream bigger than we ever did before we met them.

On the flipside, have you ever met someone who detested what he or she was doing in life? An undeniable emptiness seems to exist in those who aren’t quite doing what they love and what they are great at. That emptiness can’t be filled with money, fame, or a job title. The only real way for us to fill that kind of emptiness is by doing something we are really, truly passionate about.

There is irrepressible talent and pure greatness in each of us. We were all born to do something amazing. Maybe at this point, your thinking, “And just how am I supposed know what that amazing something is?”

More often than not, the answer lies in your childhood dreams.

Randy Pausch wrote in his inspiring book, The Last Lecture, “Whatever my accomplishments, all of the things I love were rooted in the dreams and goals I had as a child.”

- What did you want to be when you grew up?
- What did you have an insatiable desire to learn more about?
- What were your dreams as a little kid?
- Are you following those dreams now?
- And if not…why?

Maybe you wanted to be an astronaut. Perhaps you can’t quite picture yourself catapulting into space anymore. But what was behind that ambition? Maybe it was your love of space, your innate desire to explore the unknown, or the idea of floating, flying, or traveling.

What are your childhood aspirations telling you about not only what you love but also what you are truly and naturally great at?
Whether you wanted to be a chef, a doctor, a singer, a teacher, Cinderella, Captain Planet, or President of the United States of the World (I’m particularly fond of this last ambition)…what is your childhood dream telling you about what you’ve just got to do in your life?

Whenever you figure out what it is, wholeheartedly pursue that dream. Why? Because the world NEEDS you to:

- Take a photograph that will capture history or move people to change
- Run for mayor
- Discover a cure for cancer
- Develop alternate energy technologies
- Write inspiring songs
- Build schools
- Establish hospitals in the developing world
- Write amazing news articles
- Create an expressive line of clothing
- Make inspiring films
- And yes, become an astronaut, and expand the world’s sense of possibility

This world truly needs you to do what you know in your heart you’ve just got to do.

American poet Mary Oliver wrote in her poem The Summer Day, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

So, what do you plan to do?
What were your big, beautiful childhood dreams?
Are you pursuing those dreams- someway, somehow- right now?
Would the younger you be proud?

Listen to your childhood dreams. Discover what you really want to do. Do it, and you’ll find yourself changing the world- because you were born to change it.

Making Music

2010-09-21T01:11:00.001-04:00

When I was in Washington, D.C. a few weeks ago, I walked past a man who was playing a great beat with empty paint containers, cardboard boxes and metal scraps. This man drew a crowd with his big smile and infectious drumbeat. I enjoyed the music, but didn’t think too much of it- that is, until I was back home in NYC and found another man playing music with similar “instruments”- a plastic box, a metal container and an small, empty gas tank.

This time, I stopped to take in the lesson that I didn’t quite catch the first time around. Yes, both of these musicians played great beats. But what struck me even more than that was how they played those beats. How did they know that those containers, boxes and metal scraps would produce sounds that blended together so well?

As I watched the second musician in NYC, I was in awe of his ability use old, discarded materials to play music that sounded as rich as the music I’ve heard others play on drum sets worth thousands of dollars. There he was, making beautiful beats on what most people perceived as junk.

For each of us, there exists some area in which we see possibilities that most others just don’t see right away. It starts with the urge to make something beautiful out of what everyone else labels as quotidian. That’s exactly what those who have made history did- they were able to spot the extraordinary in the ordinary, and then create something out of nothing- despite all of the people who said it couldn't or shouldn't be done along the way.

The musicians are a perfect example- they spotted the extraordinary in the ordinary; when everyone else saw empty containers, they saw beautiful music.

So, what’s your version of the empty container? What can you see that others cannot? Perhaps you can catch errors in an article that no one else does (I’m sure you’re even finding a few in mine!). Or, maybe it’s the ability to sense true emotion in others- even if they are hiding it really well. Maybe you can create a hit song from a basic beat, or look at an empty canvas and see a future masterpiece.

Whatever it is, find the area in life where you see things that others just don’t see. And then create what you envision- no matter who tells you that it isn’t worthwhile or possible. Create what other people just don’t see yet. There’s no doubt about it- you will leave and indelible mark on this world when you do.

Love Life,
Melissa

I'll Be Missing You

2010-09-08T18:53:00.002-04:00

My pup just passed away a few days ago.

The degree to which a pet is part of a family varies drastically- but I can say that my dog, China, was a big part of mine. I am an only child, and losing her felt as though I was losing a sibling. Now that she is gone, the house isn’t filled with quite the same energy and vibrancy as it once was. Her presence and playfulness are dearly missed.

I hesitated to write about such a sad and personal subject- but writing about anything else this week would be a lie, as this has been the primary thing on my mind. While this blog was intended to be upbeat and inspirational, I’m realizing how important it is to also find the beauty in the breakdown. Because, no matter how close to perfect we are or are not, each of our lives is and will always be full of crazy, unexpected twists, turns and full-out breakdowns. It’s our hardest moments, however, that provide us with balance, perspective, strength and a true sense of appreciation for life in the long-run.

In recent months, I’ve heard a number of people express concern, frustration, worry, fear, exhaustion, or utter confusion about one or multiple aspects of their lives. I am not exempt from that list. The issues that we are individually and collectively dealing with range from inconsequential to life-altering.

It calls to mind a particular psychological phenomenon known as the 90-10 principle. This principle states that 10% of life is made up of what happens to us (i.e. circumstances that we cannot control), and the other 90% of life is about how we react to that other 10%. In other words, on any given day, a lot of wasted energy is spent on that 10%. Many of us spend so much time being mad, upset, and frustrated about the 10% we can’t control...and that in and of itself becomes our reaction to life- directionless resistance and regret.

In the process of focusing on what’s wrong- on the less-than-ideal circumstances and challenges we each face in one or many areas of our lives- we forget that 90% of our reality is completely up to us to create. We are the ones who perceive- and thus, shape- our world. By focusing on that 10% we can’t control, too many of us miss the biggest point of all- that life is insanely precious. We all understand this conceptually- but do we really live it? And if not, can you imagine how drastically life would change if you did?

As my dog drifted away from this life and I felt her heart slow to a stop in my arms, the gift of life and time became alarmingly apparent. Indeed, we forget how precious life is until we are suddenly and shockingly reminded of its brevity.

I once heard someone say, “When I’m on my deathbed, I’m not going to say, ‘I regret not working harder.’ I’ll probably say, ‘I wish I spent more time with my family. I wish I appreciated everything I had and took more time to enjoy it.”

Too often, we pass our days in worry and regret. We worry about who we’ll be, whether we’ll find true love, how we’ll manage our careers, our happiness, our relationships with friends and family. And, the most notable and recurring regret that I hear people say they have is that they didn’t take enough time to savor and appreciate what they had when they had it…health, love, security, peace of mind.

One day, your heart will slow, and then stop. And when it’s all over, what do you hope people will say about you? What would make you feel incomplete if you failed to do it- or at least try for it- before your time was up? What matters most to you? If you are not doing what you love and being who you want to be…what’s holding you back?

Don’t waste anymore time- not another minute. Life is too short and precious to spend it worrying about all the things you don’t have or can’t get.

You never know when you’re time will be up- so say what you mean, get to the point, don’t play games, love as many people as you can, tell those people how much you love them, fiercely pursue your passions, put your heart on the line, and shape that other 90% of life so that, when yours is over, you’ll feel complete.

And know that when your heart stops one day, the lives of the people you’ve touched- just by being you- will realize that you were part of the reason why their hearts were beating so strong.

The Next Train

2010-08-30T14:48:00.003-04:00

One morning this past week, I was waiting for the train on a packed subway platform. As an already crowded train pulled into the station, I watched about three-dozen more people fighting to squeeze into the subway car in front of me, like it was the last lifeboat paddling away from the Titanic.

Now, I’ve got to be honest. As a New Yorker, born and raised, I am usually one of those people who fight tooth and nail to get on the very next train that comes. Come to think of it, I haven’t not gotten on the first possible train I could get on- no matter how packed- in probably years. But on this particular morning, I just wasn’t having it.

So, I turned to the conductor and asked, “Is there another train behind this one?” With a smile, the conductor responded: “There’s always another train behind this one.” I chuckled. What I really meant was, “Am I going to have to wait for an eternity for the next one?” But, the conductor’s answer was really all I needed to know: of course another one would come, sooner or later. So, for the first time in a really long time, I waited for the next train.

And sure enough, the next one pulled into the station- almost empty- about two minutes later. Getting on the second train made for a much more pleasant and relaxing journey, to say the least. I started my day on a completely different note than I would have had I gotten on that first train.

If I took that first train, I would have gotten to work two inconsequential minutes earlier. But, I probably also would have arrived a lot more grumpy, sweaty and frustrated. While I am using the simplistic metaphor of waiting for a train, it’s meant to illustrate a much bigger point: the power of patience. There is something to be said for not settling- for knowing not only what you want, but also what you deserve and need.

In New York- and I’m pretty sure many other parts of the world- we want what we want, when we want it. But often, the price we pay for the luxury of instant gratification is a lack of quality.

Waiting for something better requires that we assess the often-irrational choices we make in exchange for getting what we think we want, and when we think we want it. It takes a degree of foresight- the ability to accurately play out the realistic consequences of various choices we can make, and then decide from there what’s best for us to do. It entails that we be confident enough to hold ourselves high and expect greatness- just not so much so that we develop superfluous expectations or an undeserved sense of entitlement.

Perhaps above anything else, waiting for the right moment, person, scenario or thing requires an unwavering patience- with ourselves, with our circumstances and with those around us. Patience, combined with relentless drive and clear passion, most certainly results in progress.

So have a fundamental, deeply rooted understanding of who you are, what you want, and what you deserve. Then, work for it- or in some cases, just wait for it- and don’t stop until you get it.

You may need to pass on a few mediocre opportunities first. Nevertheless, continue to wait for what you truly want and deserve…because most of the time, another opportunity- a better one- is always right behind the one in front of you.

Making Fire

2010-08-23T11:34:00.013-04:00

I had the pleasure of catching up with a bunch of great friends at a barbecue this past weekend. One of my friends, Jeff, has an adorable daughter named Heather. She is quiet when you first meet her; but when she starts talking, you just can't help but smile at her cute facial expressions and the hilariously honest stuff that she says. I found this little girl to be so engaging and surprising- and as I watched her over the course of the evening, I was enamored by her personality and playfulness.

At one point, Heather came running up to her dad with two small wooden sticks and said, with exasperation, "It's not working!!!" I had no idea what she was talking about, until her dad responded: "Well, hun, you have to work at it for a while." Haha... she had been rubbing the two sticks together to make fire. Adorable.

I couldn't help but think about how familiar Heather's reaction felt. In our daily lives, how many times do we respond to life with an exasperated "It's not working!"? When have you last said that- about doing a project work, saving money, looking for an apartment, being in a relationship, finding peace of mind? How many times have you thrown your hands up and wondered, "What the hell am I doing? This isn't working"?

As adults, I've noticed how frustrated so many of us get with ourselves for not being, well, perfect. When something goes wrong or we don't produce the results we want in some area- or many areas- of our lives, all too often we start banging our heads up against a wall trying to figure out what we did wrong or why life can't just work out better for us.

We forget that sometimes, the answer to our emotionally layered question- "Why isn't it working?"- is simple: "Well, you have to work at it for a while."

Too often, we expect quick answers and instantaneous results. But, real and lasting change takes time. True healing, true love, true success, true savings, true peace of mind... time is required to attain and develop all of those things. And often, the only way to attain true anything is to be patient on what may be a long and frustrating- but ultimately rewarding- journey.

Half of the time, we don't get what we are seeking simply because we give up at the first sign of things not working. One of the reasons I think we give up is because we don't adequately prepare ourselves for the obstacles we might have to deal with along the way. But more than that, I think we give up because we don't exactly know what we are looking for and how important that outcome is to us in the first place.

Just think about it- have you ever been perfectly clear about the end result you wanted for something, as well as how important it was for you to make that end result happen? Didn't you handle it- the project, relationship, situation, interaction- with more care and persistence than you normally would? I bet you did. You knew what you wanted and how important it was, and nothing was going to stop you from having it happen.

In the book The Last Lecture (which I'd highly recommend reading if you haven't done so already), author Randy Pausch wrote, "The brick walls (i.e. obstacles) are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something."

If you find yourself procrastinating, avoiding, giving up... take a minute to step back and really ask yourself, "Why is this happening?" I'd bet that, more often than not, it's because you aren't completely clear on what you are looking for- and why it matters so much to you in the first place.

Once you know exactly what our dreams and goals are, you are free to really pursue them. And once you begin to pursue them, you can go into the process knowing that not every moment will be perfect.

Maybe you won't do a stellar job on a work project the first time around; or save money without giving up some of the luxuries you enjoy; or find an apartment without first finding a few perfect ones that you cannot have; or have a great relationship without a few disagreements and heartache along the way.

... But who cares? KEEP GOING ANYWAY. Whatever you really desire, you can have with hard work and determination- it's yours for the taking.

Making your dreams happen is just like making fire: you've got to work at it for a while.

So, be patient...trust yourself. When you do, you'll know intuitively that the very best is yet to come.

Love Life,
Melissa

Dancing in the Rain

2010-08-15T23:19:00.008-04:00

Just like pretty much every other woman I know, I went to go see the movie Eat Pray Love this weekend. I was personally very moved by the film, for a list of textured reasons that are too long to name here.

But, there was one particular line from the movie that stuck with me: “To lose one’s balance for love is part of living a balanced life.”

Is that true? In order to find balance, we have to lose it? Is it just for love that we need to welcome imbalance…or do we need to welcome it in every area of our lives? And what does that even mean anyway- this concept of losing balance? Does it mean that we’ve got to let go of the expectations that we have about what love and life will look like for us? Does it mean we’ve got to do things that spur us completely out of our comfort zones, even if there’s no sound logic behind our reasons for doing so?

I lingered over that phrase even after the movie ended, as though I was looking for an answer to my question about the validity of that statement. And, as I left the movie theater, I got my answer. Within about two minutes of my walk home, it began to rain. And I began to smile.

In that moment, what came to mind was this beautiful Bob Dylan quote I heard a while back: “Some people feel the rain, others just get wet.”

Being balanced in love is kind of like holding an umbrella over you in the rain. Sure, it keeps you dry. But you miss out on that unambiguously beautiful feeling of raindrops kissing you on your face, sliding gently down your arms and into the palms of your hands, into which they fit perfectly.

In a way, umbrellas symbolize that need for comfort, control and balance. We use them to shield us- as a way to protect the things we assign importance to…our hair, our clothes, our belongings. But, I think that somewhere under that shelter, we forget what we’re really missing.

So, I’m a believer- that losing one’s balance for love is part of living a balanced life. And I believe it because I'm confident that love is at the very center of the most beautiful moments in our lives. Whether it is graduating from college, building a dream career, falling in love, exploring somewhere new, or just playing in the rain…balance somehow finds us the instant we let go of our questions and expectations and just allow ourselves to savor this wild and precious life.

When we leap courageously into the unexpected, we are rewarded with a sense of true balance and peace. Whether it comes in the form of love or a hard-earned lesson, our most beautiful and valuable moments come in tandem with our willingness to just feel and embrace life, and our dreams, and the people around us.

Maybe the point isn’t to try and figure out how to be perfectly balanced in our lives; maybe the point is not to worry about balance at all. We think of imbalance as though it is synonymous with failure. But imbalance is simply the world’s way of telling us that we are daring to live a full and courageous life.

What I'm learning is that we rarely find true love or true balance under an umbrella. We find it when we’re dancing the rain.

Love Life Always,
Melissa

Experienced Clothing

2010-08-09T10:50:00.001-04:00

During my last trip to Boston, I spent some time wandering around Cambridge. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a sign on a store window that read “We Sell Experienced Clothing”. Hmmm. Experienced clothing? What is that?

Of course, I couldn’t resist the urge to go inside and find out for myself. Much to my chagrin, it was just a small thrift shop. But unlike most thrift shops, this one didn’t sell “used clothing.” Oh, no- this particular shop sold “experienced clothing.” Now, the change seems minute. The label for “used clothing” is different, but nonetheless, it is still just used clothing…or is it?

I doubt I would’ve ever walked into that store had the sign on the window read “We Sell Used Clothing.” The word “used” isn’t really a brilliant selling point; after all, how many people actually want clothing that has been used up already? Experienced clothing on the other hand…now that’s something I would buy. The clothes are experienced! They know exactly what they are doing; they know how to weather the storms of life- stains, sweat…even countless spins in the washer and dryer. How cool is that? When I hear the term “experienced clothes,” I imagine someone taking them out for a test drive to make sure they are resilient enough for me.

As I walked out of the thrift store (with an experienced black cardigan, might I add), I thought about how drawn I had been to the term “experienced clothing.” It was that very slight change in the way “used clothing” was marketed that got me- and I’m sure many other customers- into that store.

Life is a lot like this isn’t it? The things, events, people and places we come across in our lifetimes- they are all relatively neutral. We are the ones who assign meaning to them: fun, boring, worthwhile, pointless, exciting, mean, unoriginal, unique, fabulous, drab, breathtaking. And, every time we think about or share our experiences with others, we are essentially marketing our own particular interpretations of those otherwise neutral things, events, people and places.

From this, we begin to see how perspective changes everything about our lives and how we experience them. For example, imagine two different people who are battling cancer. One becomes bitter, wondering “Why me?” The other is grateful and optimistic, never taking another minute of life for granted.

Both people are struggling with the same life-threatening illness…but they approach that reality in two completely different ways. Why? It comes down to perspective- and that alone changes everything.

Whatever you’ve got going on in your life right now- whatever you are worried about- take a minute to put it all in perspective. What’s the worse that could happen? Where is the incessant worrying and wishing getting you? Are you a better person because of it? Is the situation any better because of it?

If not, just stop. Don’t spend another minute assigning the worst label possible to what you are going through. Whatever it is, why think of yourself as having been “used", when you could see it as yet another rich experience that you get to grow and learn from?

The labels we assign to things, relationships and situations determine how we come to understand our lives. The happiest people are those who can slap the best possible label onto any of the circumstances they face. They find the joy, the meaningfulness and the lessons in everything that happens in their lives. The happiest people know that life is only as good as they imagine it to be.

Take a minute to reflect on what a gift your life is…and every moment- every day- is another opportunity to soak it all in. Of course, not every day is perfect- even for the most optimistic individual. But it’s not about perfection- it’s about perception.

So if anyone ever asks, remember this: you aren’t used - just experienced. =)

Trust Yourself

2010-08-02T17:18:00.002-04:00

“Trust Yourself.”

I can’t think of anything much more important than that. During each of our lives, we’ll have to make thousands and thousands of decisions. For some of those decisions, the answer will come easily; but for many of them, answers won’t always be so obvious. So, self trust is paramount as we make choices- big and small- in our lives.

Take a minute to think about a time in your life when you’ve had a gut feeling about something. What happened if you followed that intuition? What about if you didn’t?

By definition, intuition is the ability to generate keen and quick insight, independent of any reasoning process. Our intuitions are pure, untaught, non-inferential knowledge. In other words, sometimes our intuitive senses about things are irrational, unfounded, and confusing. You know, you meet someone and have a “gut feeling” that they would be good (or not good) for a relationship. You read an article about a fascinating topic or industry and just know that you have to make a career out of it. You visit a new place, and immediately, it feels like home to you.

I know in my own life, whenever I have trusted my intuition regarding any big decision I’ve had to make, it has never led me wrong. That by no means is meant to suggest that I’m perfect, that I’ve never made poor choices, or that the outcomes to my decisions have always looked the way I thought they would. But for sure, particularly as I look back on the biggest turning points in my life, trusting myself has been critical. That self trust was essential to my personal growth, as well as my ability to make decisions that would eventually lead me to where I wanted to be- and teach me the lessons I needed to learn before I got there.

When in your life have you made the best possible choice you could by not trusting yourself? I’m willing to bet that your best choices were made while you were staying true to who you are and following that brilliant intuition of yours.

Some people argue that they have gone against the way they “felt” about a situation, and the outcome was amazing. For instance, they feared starting a business, but went for it anyway- and it winded up being a huge success.

But, feelings and intuition are inherently different. Feelings are temporary, fleeting, unpredictable, and relatively uncontrollable. We feel the way we feel, until a new feeling takes over.

Intuition, on the other hand, leaves us with static, immediate, and lasting impressions about a situation. Our intuitions, if we listen to them, are relentless. Sometimes they scream at us, and sometimes they just whisper- but if we choose to listen, they are always there- and they consistently point us in the direction of our best decisions.

Intuition comes quickly…without notice or rationale. But, we are all miraculously good at talking ourselves out of listening to that intuitive voice if it’s telling us something that we don’t want to hear. We rationalize as much as possible in order to give meaning to choices that are less abrupt or painful- even if we know at our core that the easiest decision and the best decision aren’t always the same.

So how do you possibly sort out the challenging choices that you’ll have to make over the course of your life?

It’s very simple. Trust yourself. Trust that, despite your fear of what the future has in store for you or what may come out of the decisions you make, your gut- your intuition- will always lead you to where you want to go. And regardless of how it turns out or what it looks like, trust that the outcome will be exactly what you need to keep going and growing.

No fear. Just trust yourself.

Love Life,
Melissa

The Upside to Losing

2010-07-26T02:32:00.000-04:00

Did you know that we feel our losses 2 to 2.5 times more than we feel our gains? In other words, if we lost $100, it would feel 2 to 2.5 times worse that it would feel good if we won $100.

I think to some extent, we all fear loss- and as a result, we often respond in one of two ways. Sometimes, we’ll cling too tight to the things we fear losing. We wrap ourselves up in things that ultimately don’t make us who we are at all- like the infatuation with money, or the need to have a prestigious career title. We carefully guard everything- from our computers and clothes, to our books and phones. We guard some things like we’d be lost without them…when maybe, the truth is that we’re really lost with them.

Other times, we avoid anything worth losing altogether. We fear the pain of working hard and falling in love with something worth holding onto, so we never reach out to grab it. For instance, some of us have brilliant business ideas that, if put into action, would really fill our souls- ideas that would change other people’s lives, and most certainly our own. But, too often, we never move forward with the ideas we dream about because we are so afraid of what could be lost if we fail. We never go for it at all, and we are left wondering how things might be different if we had just taken a leap of faith.

The bigger the potential loss, the more we avoid it. It is our fear of losing that stops us from experiencing things big and small- from jumping into the ocean for the first time and learning what a wave of salty blue water feels like on our skin, to falling in love and learning what it feels like to be loved back.

The bigger the risk, the greater the reward. And with the biggest risks- like choosing to let people into our lives and loving them for simply caring enough to be part of it for a while, the reward is just that- letting people in and loving them.

Despite how painful it is to lose something, we must embrace loss- because life is full it. Throughout the course of each of our lives, we are bound to lose a lot- from simple things like pens and books, to bigger things like jobs and money. And no matter how many of those things we lose, no loss will hurt more than that of losing the ones we love. Sometimes we’ll lose them because their time has run out on this earth…maybe after a long life, and maybe after a short one. Other times we’ll lose the ones we love because the time we were meant to spend with them has run out…after many years, or just a few moments.

But the point isn’t to spend our time trying not to lose what matters to us, or to avoid getting too close to anything that would hurt to lose in the first place. The point is simply to embrace whatever we are lucky enough to have...from the simple things, like dinners and dollars- to the much bigger things... like the people who walk into our lives, however long or briefly they are with us, by plan or serendipity.

It’s hard not to think about the pain that any kind of loss brings. But in those moments that make you want to cling tight to what you fear losing, or that make you want to avoid embracing anything that you wouldn’t want to lose in the first place, remember:

Loss will remind you of what maters. It will keep you humble and grounded. It will get you to rethink who you are and who you want to be.

And, often you’ll find that in the process of losing something else, that’s when you really find yourself.

Love Life,
Melissa

The Sweet Sundays

2010-07-26T02:15:00.001-04:00

Hey All,

A little over a year ago, I started a weekly blog called The Sweet Sundays. I started this blog at least partially because I wanted to continue writing in a structured, purposeful way. But more than that, I started this blog because, perhaps as a result of extensive solo traveling, I began making new connections and noticing different things entirely about myself and the world around me.

I began seeing the symbolism in everything, from M&M's to Gibson Guitars. And I was learning important lessons and finding inspiration in the most unexpected places- in the middle of my finance class at Columbia University, during a 4th of July Fireworks celebration, and even from a four-year-old girl at a grocery store.

The name "Sweet Sundays" came about because this blog was created in an effort to make sense of all the beginnings and endings that we experience in our lives. And what better day to write than on Sundays, a day that simultaneously represents the end of an old week and the beginning of a new one?

I went on a writing hiatus for the last several months, but I'm dusting off my keyboard and getting back to The Sweet Sundays. I want to thank those of you who have encouraged me to continue writing through your own beautiful thoughts, feedback, and words of encouragement. It has meant the world to me, and I hope you'll continue responding so we can all continue learning and growing.

I wrote this about The Sweet Sundays over a year ago, and it still rings true:

"It's easy to forget the importance of the little things. But the little things are the threads of intricate beginnings and endings that ultimately create a life tapestry. This blog is a way to make a bit more sense of all the crazy, amazing, unexpected, emotional endings and beginnings that we experience in our lives, one little thing at a time."

Life, I've learned, is about the appreciation and enjoyment of the little things that happen in our lives each and every day. After all, it is those little things, when strung together, that make up a life.

Hope you enjoy the blog!

Love Life,
Melissa

Just Keep Going

2010-04-19T09:52:00.001-04:00

I’m on a mission to raise $20,000 to build a school in Laos, a small country located in the heart of Southeast Asia. I’ve thought about raising this money for a long time, but I found myself constantly questioning my goal and myself - Can I do this? How will I raise all that money? Will people really care? What if I fail?

I just recently got the push I needed to start- to affirmatively say, “This school is my promise. This school is my mission. I will raise $20,000 to build it, no matter what it takes.”

As I began my effort to raise the money, I also began facing some of the toughest conversations I have with myself: that people will feel pressured to support my effort with a donation; that I won’t be able to effectively connect people with my mission to build this school; and of course, the fear that I’ll stumble, fall, and fail.

But at the end of the day, here’s what I know for sure- that if I don’t get out of my own way, there’s a school on the other side of the world that will never be built. There are kids who deserve it but will never have the opportunity to receive an education- simply because I was too afraid of being judged or being perceived as pushy or aggressively persistent.

Often, our fears stand in the way of our greatness- as well as our ability to inspire others to be their greatest, too. But if we always stop when we experience fear, anger, uncertainty, or rejection, we’ll never get to create the life we really want.

The most successful people- those who truly create change and shape the world in a positive way- are not accomplished because they never experience confusion, challenge or pain.

Rather, change agents are those who have mastered the art of overcoming their own limiting conversations because they are so connected to a bigger vision of how the world could be- of all the beautiful things that could be created simply by having the guts to do what others deem impossible.

Whatever it is you want most in your life- whether it be: career success, starting a new business, creating beautiful relationships with friends and family, finding love, going back to school, or building a school…none of it happens without embracing and managing personal fear.

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. If you feel uncomfortable, that’s when you know you are growing. SO KEEP GOING.

To learn more about my campaign to raise $20,000 to build a school in Laos, please visit my fundraising page.

Love Life,

Melissa

Your Whole Heart

2010-03-15T01:54:00.001-04:00

Relationships are a constant balance between two different extremes.

On one end, we instinctually keep our hearts guarded. Giving only half of the love we have to give, we wait for the other person to prove that they won’t break our heart if we give it away. We let our history play too big a role in writing our future. We focus on all of the things that could go wrong, and it keeps us from experiencing the joy of getting to learn someone- to laugh with them, cry with them, and create new memories with them.

We shut down because…well, it’s the easier thing to do. We keep a wall up- sometimes because we don’t trust in the importance of the love we have to give. And other times, because we don’t recognize how worthy we are of being loved.

On the other end, sometimes we give too much of our selves to people who aren’t willing to be open and give just as much of themselves to us in return. We want to love them, hug them, laugh with them, and feel worthy of them.

But if- with our hearts open and ready to love- they cannot even open their eyes to receive it, who are we to stay? Who are we to hold ourselves so low that we accept only half of a heart in return for the whole-heart we give away?

We compromise with ourselves. We tell ourselves that maybe this is as good as it gets. We forget that, while relationships require work, they should never feel like a burden. It’s a joy and an honor to love and be loved. So why make it any less than that?

I don’t know everything about love, but I do know this:

We are deserving of exactly the amount of love we are willing to give.

If you are too scared to love with all your heart- to play a really big game and constantly be willing to give more than you take in a relationship- that’s all you’ll ever get in return. It will be no surprise when the person you are with closes up, stops sharing, doubts you and themselves, feels underappreciated, and makes your closed heart their own problem.

But if you give a relationship everything you’ve got- if you risk putting your heart completely in someone else’s hands- you’ll receive a deeper, more beautiful kind of love than you could ever imagine.

In life and love, there are no guarantees. If you are waiting for one, you’ll be waiting forever. But there’s only one thing that hurts more than your heart getting torn in two- it’s the emptiness of a heart that was too afraid to let love in at all.

Be willing to get hurt. Sure, it’s a risk to give someone your whole heart. Do it anyway. And hold yourself as high as you deserve to be held- so that in those moments when you give your heart away and don’t get all of someone else’s in return, you can walk away knowing you gave it your all.

Most of all, love yourself- and trust that one day, someone will be fortunate enough to love you, too.

XoXo,
Melissa

What Would You Do if You Weren't Afraid?

2010-02-23T10:42:00.006-05:00

Fear is what stops us from getting what we really want.

While I think many of us know this intuitively, few of us genuinely embrace our fears. In truth, the presence of fear is something we can’t avoid- it’s part of the human condition. Just to name a few popular ones: fear of flying, fear of spiders, fear of heights, fear of being wrong, fear of failure, fear of falling, and fear of falling in love.

I recently recognized the role that fear was playing in my own life during a conversation with a good friend of mine. I was asking him for advice on a relationship that is important to me- but one that I had questions and fear about. Understanding the trepidation in my voice about the situation, he simply asked me:

“What would you do if you were not afraid?”

The answer to that question changed my entire perspective on the situation, and ultimately, the relationship. What I realized was that fear often stops us from being who we really are- with ourselves and for others. And most of the time, the fear is irrational and completely unfounded.

When we get beyond it, we often discover what it is we really want to do- the action or way of being that is required for us to get desired results and cultivate our relationships. It does take faith in the future and trust in ourselves and others to move beyond our fears. But the risk of taking a leap to get beyond our fears is minimal compared to what we risk if we never leap at all.

For instance:

- Those who are afraid of airplanes don’t get to enjoy the feeling of flying.

- Those who are afraid of spiders don’t get to see the beauty of those crazy critters.

- Those who are afraid of heights don’t get to marvel at the sight of a bigger picture.

- Those who are afraid of being wrong don’t get to widen their perspective or connect with people who are different.

- Those who are afraid of failure don’t get to chase after their dreams.

- Those who are afraid of falling don’t get to find the fun and excitement in leaping.

- And those who are afraid of falling in love don’t get to experience the true joy of an open heart and the immense love that inevitably comes in return.

What are you missing out on as a result of your fears?

Yes, fear never fully goes away in every area of our lives. So we may as well embrace it! But that being said, sitting in our fear never moves us forward. In fact, it only serves to weigh us down and stop us from getting what it is we are really after.

So take a minute, and think about what you are afraid of right now. Whatever it is...

what would you do if you were not afraid?
.....
....
...
..
.
...Got it?
Now go do it!

Extreme Perspective Makeover

2010-01-04T02:34:00.004-05:00

I love the beginning of a new year. It’s an exciting time, filled with the motivation to improve and accomplish more in the coming year. Many of us make big resolutions every January (whether we keep them or not). Even for those who aren’t fans of making resolutions, it’s hard not to dream about the possibilities that a new year brings.

In general, I’m a fan of them. In fact, I don’t think resolutions should be reserved solely for January 1. It’s important to resolve each day to do something better, help others more effectively, and learn more about ourselves and the people we love. These daily resolutions come to shape who we are, allowing us to grow and move forward.

But there is one big problem with resolutions. Whenever we resolve to do something differently, there is an unspoken notion that whatever we are currently doing is wrong or not good enough. The backlash that comes with makeovers and self-improvement is a focus on what we think we lack, don’t do well, or need to change. If we fail to keep them, our resolutions might even leave us feeling personally defeated.

In the midst of thinking about my own resolutions for the coming year, I turned on the TV to watch Extreme Home Makeover. I’m sure many- if not all of you have heard about this show. If you haven’t watched it, you need to catch at least an episode or two. And seriously, keep a box of Kleenex with you.

What I love about this show is that it really puts things into perspective.

Did you know?

…More than 1 billion people worldwide go hungry each day.

…40 million people in the United States alone live below the poverty line- which, to put things in perspective, is about $22,000 per year for a family of four.

…Only 28% of U.S. citizens have a college degree.

...And, a staggering one in eight people around the world do not have access to safe, clean drinking water.

When I think about the reality of these statistics, I am reminded of how much I take for granted, and how incredibly blessed I’ve been in my life to have a great education, a job, healthcare, and the ability to cover all of my basic needs.

When we aren’t surrounded by the deepest kinds of struggles- those who cannot feed their children, or vote, or escape from an abusive relationship, or go to school- it’s difficult to put our relatively small concerns into perspective. By helping amazing people in communities around the country who have limited resources, shows like Extreme Home Makeover remind us of what we’ve got.

We all struggle- maybe right now, you are dealing with a failing relationship, a toxic friendship, a death in the family, a job you don’t enjoy, a pile of debt, or a serious health problem. Many of these issues are ones we each come to face at some point in our lives.

If you are going through something hard, then it’s more important than ever for you to focus on the positive. Focus on all of the things that are going right. Focus on what you’ve had the pleasure to do, see, and experience that most others in this world have not. By shifting your perspective, you’ll often find that it becomes easier to deal with the handful of things that really aren’t going well.

So think about your resolutions. What do you want to do in 2010? Get healthier? Make more money? Buy a house? Switch Careers? Graduate from college? Whatever it is, put in perspective.

Why do your resolutions matter to you? Are they truly important? Whatever you are getting down on yourself for…does it really matter? Is it that big a deal?

Remember who you are. Remember all that you’ve been given. Even when things are going wrong, remind yourself that billions of people are struggling in deeper, harsher ways than you are right now. Give back whatever you can to those people- that may just be the best gift you could possibly give yourself.

If you are going to make resolutions, resolve to see things differently and count your blessings. You might find that the most important thing to makeover this year is your perspective.

All You Need is a Piece of Paper

2009-12-21T13:48:00.003-05:00

I walked into a store the other day and the owner’s four-year-old daughter was there. She was the cutest little thing, and completely restless- the entire time, she was running up and down the aisles trying to get her mom’s attention. At one point, I looked over at her and she looked a bit frustrated. She was holding a pink marker in her hand and said something to her mother, who just shook her head “no”. As she walked past me, I heard the little girl whisper under her breath, “But I just wanted a piece of paper to draw on...” You could sense the dip in her mood as she went to sit down quietly in a chair, staring at the marker she couldn’t use.

…I think my heart literally broke for her in that moment. This restless little girl, so full of energy and life, was trapped in a store on a late December evening- armed with her marker and ready to draw, but lacking the paper she needed to do so.

Too often, as we become adults, the same thing happens to us. We carry our “markers” around with us – our amazing ideas, brilliant hopes, beautiful dreams, and inspiring plans. But as we go through life, running through each of our years as that little girl ran up and down the aisles, sometimes we run out of “paper”- a way of expressing and fostering those amazing ideas, hopes, dreams and plans that we have.

Sometimes, it comes from a lack of financial, intellectual or emotional resources. All too often, we feel like we don’t have a place to turn our wonderful ideas into actions simply because there is no one around to remind us that there is always paper to write on, and to encourage us to use it. And almost always, the tip of our markers fade after using it on all of the ideas that get rejected by other people…all the ideas that we convince ourselves we can’t turn into a reality, or aren’t good enough to make a difference in the world.

For Christmas this year, my wish for everyone is that you find a piece of paper and use it. In the literal sense, go grab a sheet of paper right now and start recording all of your ideas- the goals you have for yourself, the things you want to accomplish in 2010 and thereafter, and the hopes you have for your future and the future of the world.

In a figurative sense, sit down and take a moment to realize how brilliant you are – how capable you are of making a good effort at absolutely anything you put your mind to. People may tell you that not everything is possible, and it’s a shame. Because often times, hearing that nonsense makes us stop trying and striving for the best out of life and from ourselves. NEVER STOP TRYING FOR WHAT YOU WANT. Your dreams are uniquely yours, and therefore, there is no better person in the world to turn them into a reality than you.

Yes, life doesn’t always work out as planned. In fact 90% of the time it doesn’t. But here’s the thing – when you try, you win automatically. Because in trying, you are learning and growing…you are becoming the best version of yourself that you can possibly be. The actual realization of your specific dreams is simply icing on the cake. But if you want the icing, you need to bake the cake first.

And if you want the paper to draw on, you need to realize the power of the marker that is already in your hands. Use it. Create something beautiful. Change the world. Because you can.

Compliments & Criticism

2009-12-07T02:10:00.001-05:00

A kick in the ass will move you forward faster than a pat on the back.

Too often, we look for compliments and avoid criticism. I think we've got it all backwards. Sure, it's nice to hear that other people think great things about our work or who we are. In fact, I think that especially in leadership roles, it is imperative that we recognize and reward great talent and achievements. It motivates others to keep doing great work and lets them know they are appreciated.

But, on the receiving end, the goal shouldn't be seeking out a compliment. Compliments are simply the byproducts of hard work and successful action. What we forget along the way is that the key to doing good work and finding success is listening to feedback- especially criticism. By understanding what others don't like or find useful, we can make adjustments that allow us to improve the quality of our work, or even just the way we think and behave as individuals.

Why are we so afraid of criticism? Well, it's uncomfortable to hear that someone is dissatisfied by our feelings, thoughts or actions. Criticism can be very disconfirming, particularly if the person providing the criticism is abrasive or blunt.

But, there is something to be learned from every piece of criticism we receive. So the next time you receive some, here are some things to do:

1.) Don't be reactive.

I don't know about you, but I have very strong opinions about certain things. If I feel like I'm being attacked based on a view that I am passionate about, it's difficult to let go of that reactive instinct. But it is CRUCIAL that you do let it go. There have been many times when I wanted to snap a response back. But, by waiting and letting the feedback sit with me for a little bit, I was able to take it in and respond- instead of react- after I had some time to collect my thoughts.

This is easier to do when the feedback comes via e-mail or voicemail. It is more difficult when you receive the feedback during a face-to-face conversation. If you don't feel ready to respond to the criticism, tell the person, "I hear what you are saying. I'd like some time to think it through, and continue this part of the conversation at a later date. Would that be OK with you?" More often than not, the person will respect and appreciate your consideration of their feedback.

2.) Use I, not You

When responding to criticism, pay attention to your choice of words. Something as simple as shifting from statements like, "You don't understand where I am coming from" to "I don't feel like my perspective was interpreted the way I intended" can change the tone of the conversation. You are essentially saying the same thing, but in a way that makes it easier for the person on the receiving end to really hear your message instead of getting defensive.

Avoid making assumptions by using "I" instead of "you".

3.) Don't take it personally

More often than not, the one giving you feedback isn't trying to personally attack you. In fact, it's usually quite the opposite.

Think about it- would you bother giving someone feedback if you didn't want them to succeed, or at least grow as an individual? Whether it is your parents, friends, bosses, or a stranger who leaves a random comment on your blog- people who give you feedback are trying to help you see something in a different way. That's not to say that the different way is the right way- just that you should always consider someone else's perspective before deciding whether to accept it or dismiss it.

Recognize that, for the most part, people who give you feedback are invested in your well-being. Thank them!

4.) Look on the bright side

A funny thing happens when you do the three things above- you start to realize that the criticism isn't really as bad as it initially seemed of felt. Find a way to put a positive spin on every piece of criticism you receive.

For instance, if a friend tells you that you're overanalyzing a situation, don't be dramatic and demand an apology. Step back, assess the validity of your friend's claim, and if you think it is an accurate assessment, shift your thinking. So, instead of saying to yourself, "Who does my friend think he/she is saying that?," say, "I'm receiving insight from a friend on my behavior. I know my friend is well-intentioned, and maybe I am overanalyzing the situation."

Once you figure out whether a person's feedback is accurate, ask them to help you come up with solutions to improve the quality of your work or a given situation.

If you don't mind moving slowly through life, look for a pat on the back. But if you are looking to grow, improve, and move forward, embrace the kick in the ass.

How Much Are You Worth?

2009-11-24T10:56:00.011-05:00

Recently, I read a story for my marketing class at Columbia about the pricing of Gibson guitars. At one point, the Gibson Guitar Corporation lowered its prices to compete with Japanese guitar rivals, such as Yamaha and Ibanez. Surprisingly, Gibson found that its guitars weren’t selling well at lower prices.

Why? Put simply, it’s because pricing provides a consumer with an indication of how much something is worth. What differentiated Gibson from Tamaha and Ibanez was that while the latter brands were sacrificing quality to be price leaders in the guitar market, Gibson Corporation did quite the opposite: they made beautiful guitars by hand. No shortcuts, and no substitutions. This was Gibson’s key value proposition, and it was lost on the customer once the company decided to lower its prices. This is a classic example of the inverse demand curve, which occurs when it comes to pricing something that’s viewed as having exceptional value.

As individuals, we each offer some kind of exceptional value. We may not be guitars, but we can learn a few things from Gibson Corporation’s pricing story:

1.) Don’t try to be someone you’re not.
Gibson wasn’t offering consumers a cheap guitar. By lowering the prices, Gibson was creating dissonance between the number they put on a tag (one indicator of value) and customer perception (another indicator of value). By trying to compete with guitar brands that had a different target market and positioning strategy, Gibson lost.

In the same way, we lose when we try to be someone we’re not. If you are great at writing, don’t go into investment banking just because people are telling you to worry about being poor (…compared to an investment banker, you will be. But, there’s no better pay than doing what you love. If you love writing, that’s what you need to do).

If you want to be a pediatrician, but your dad is nudging you to follow in his footsteps and be a lawyer…you know what to do. Start studying for the MCATs. If you are an entry-level employee, don’t act like you are the boss. And, if you’re someone who is naturally inclined toward introversion, don’t pretend to be an extrovert.

If you try to be anyone other than who you are, you’ll lose. Not just job opportunities, the chance at a fulfilling career, or strong personal relationships. You’ll lose sight of your personal integrity and self-awareness, too. Stay true to your strengths and passions.

2.) Stop devaluing yourself.

You are only worth as much as you believe you are worth. If you place high value on your skills and personal being, that internal self-affirmation will speak volumes about your “price”.

Wonder why you haven’t gotten a raise? Why people take advantage of you? Why you seem to get hurt constantly in relationships?

…All of the above are byproducts of you settling for less than you deserve. If you truly understood how valuable you are, you probably would never settle for being paid less than the amount and quality of work you’re putting into something (and by 'paid', I don’t just mean monetary payment. Soft benefits, intellectual stimulation, and job satisfaction are all forms of payment, too).

You also wouldn’t let other people take advantage of you- and in fact, the people who would even think to take advantage of you wouldn’t be in your life to begin with. If you knew your value, you’d never settle into a relationship with someone who didn’t bring out your best and love you for who you genuinely are.

Pricing matters. It tells a story about how much something is worth. Realize that you are the one who sets the price. If you set it too low, people will find it harder to see the value in you that they should.

So, what ‘price’ are you placing on yourself? How much do you think you're worth?

I’m going to guess that you are offering a bigger discount for your time, effort, and love than most people deserve. Remember your value, and price accordingly. It’ll automatically weed out the people who aren’t willing to spend the effort keeping high quality people like you in their lives.

With love!

Mel

Balancing Act

2009-11-15T16:07:00.003-05:00

I’m telling you. One of the biggest challenges in life is trying to balance a cup of Starbucks in one hand and a newspaper in the other, with a gym bag over my shoulder. In four-inch heels. On a packed, speeding NYC train with nothing to lean on except the sketchy-looking dude next to me.

I’m being a little dramatic. But, during one of my less eloquent morning commutes to work, I got to thinking about the art of balance. Lately, I’m realizing balance is just that- an art. The concept of ‘balance’ is subjective, and how people seek out that sense of stabilization can vary dramatically from one person to the next. What is balanced to me may feel like chaos to another. For some, balance comes with relative ease (or so it seems). For others, the creation of balance is a constant work-in-progress.

Regardless of how you go about defining it or finding it, balance matters. In fact, I think it may just be one of the most important things in life.

I’ve experienced a lack of balance in my life recently. It came as a result of me loving and wanting to do too many things. But, what I am learning is that when you try to do everything at once, you start sacrificing quality for quantity- and in the long-run, taking on too much negatively impacts your ability to be strategic, effective and dependable.

Though I’m happy to be learning this lesson now, I am still mourning the realization that it’s impossible, time-wise, to have everything and do everything you want at the same time (an I rarely use the word impossible).

Maybe you can relate? Maybe you too have been feeling the time crunch lately. Have you ever had moments, days, weeks, or months that left you feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, confused, or directionless?

If you’ve felt any of those things- and I think at one point or another, we all have- it’s time to start asking questions:

- How am I spending most of my time?

- Where can I lessen the time I spend on things that have to get done, but don’t necessarily add joy to my life (i.e. chores and errands)?

- What or who do I wish I had more time for in my life? How much extra time do I think I need, and why haven’t I found the time yet?

- What am I doing that is not essential or adding a significant amount of joy or growth to my life (i.e. browsing Facebook or surfing the web – and I know pretty much all of us waste time doing these things!).

It’s usually not easy to cut things out. But, by comparing how you are currently spending your time with how you’d ideally like to spend your time, you may discover ways of maximizing the hours you have in your day.

I’ve certainly been guilty of this in the past, and I hear people say it almost every day: “There just isn’t enough time.” Well, there never will be. It’s great to feel that way because it shows your motivated by life and have the desire to always take on and learn more.

But on the flip side, the most productive people in the world get the same 24 hours a day that you do. There are always ways to cut back and make better use of your time- but no one is going to figure that out for you.

Discover what you value- what brings you joy. Then, think about how to connect all of those things in your life so you can fulfill more than one of your values at a time. For instance, I love writing, personal branding, and disseminating useful and inspiring news. I satisfy all of these things that bring my joy in one of my current jobs at studentbranding.com.

Find ways to connect everything in your life. Because you are right- there isn’t enough time in the day. Not enough time to spend wasting on things that don’t really matter to you. Not enough time to do things that don’t relate to what you value or what your strengths are.

So, find better things to include in your life…better things to hold on to. The result? A newfound sense of balance- because when you figure out how to do something you love for a living, or work in an environment where you have the opportunity to develop strong relationships, you won’t feel like you have to sacrifice the things that bring you joy or value just to make a living and stay afloat.

Just like a moving train, life is fast and there are a lot of twists and turns along the way. It isn’t always possible to keep yourself from tipping over. But, by being thoughtful about how you spend your time, you’ll naturally add things to your life that anchor you, sustain you, keep you sane, level you, and remind you of how blessed you are (and you are).

Enjoy the ride!

Personal ROI

2009-10-26T09:44:00.002-04:00

We are really good at negotiating with ourselves. Whenever we are presented with a situation where a choice needs to be made, we often find ways to rationalize how we can go for the option that brings us short-term satisfaction, but may ultimately hurt us in the long-term.

We ask, “Can I do X?” …Can I eat a third cookie? Can I spend $200 on a pair of jeans? Can I start my own business?

The answer to all of these questions- and most other “can” questions- is generally yes. Of course, in order to turn those questions into yeses, you have to make an investment of some sort. If you eat a third cookie but don’t want to add 500 calories to your frame, the investment you have to make is an extra 50 minutes on the treadmill, elliptical, etc. (notice I didn’t say "at the gym"- just being there doesn’t make you healthier!).

If you spend $200 on a pair of jeans, the investment may be that you have to borrow money (never a good idea for something like a pair of jeans) or cut back on your spending in another area of your life.

If you decide to start your own business, there are many emotional, financial, and time investments you need to make in order to launch and sustain it successfully.

When we are making choices, we become so focused on the “can” part of the equation. And, particularly if the choice we want to make (or know we need to make) is difficult, we often rationalize why a.) we cannot do something about it or b.) convince ourselves that we can do something about it, but without true consideration and willingness to make the appropriate investment to get what we want.

The question we forget to ask after “ Can I do X?” is the really crucial one: “Am I going to like the return on whatever investment I have to make in order for X to happen?”

When we pose the second question to ourselves, the decision-making process becomes a lot easier, and the natural result is making choices that are true to our personal values and overarching goals.

“Can I eat a third cookie?”

Sure. But are you willing to spend an extra 50 minutes working out tomorrow? If the answer is yes, go eat that cookie and enjoy every morsel. If the answer is no, then don’t complain about the extra .14 lbs.

“Can I spend $200 on a pair of jeans?”

You bet. But are you willing to cut back on your entertainment or vacation budget? If the answer is yes, go ahead a buy them. Strut your stuff in them while you’re at it. If the answer is no, assess whether you are OK with being $200 in debt (Hint: you shouldn’t be).

“Can I start my own business?”

Absolutely. The real question is, are you willing to sacrifice those fun nights out to build a company you care about? Are you willing to build the equity through personal capital or fund raising to make it happen? Are you up for the challenge of dealing with the naysayers you’ll inevitably come across on your way to success?

If your answers are all yeses, then get started on that company! I can’t wait to see what a success it’ll be in the future. If your answers were no’s, then enjoy never getting your ideas off the ground.

We all want to answer “yes” to the questions we ask ourselves about what we’re capable of doing. The hardest part for most of us is making an honest assessment of what we have to invest in order to make something happen, and how willing we truly are to make those investments.

Just remember…

If you don’t invest- in your ideas and in yourself, above all- the return will never come.

Connect The Dots

2009-10-05T09:46:00.012-04:00

You cannot become who you want to be by staying who you are.

…What does that mean, exactly?

Without lifting your finger from the paper (or screen, in this case), connect the following nine dots with four (and only four!) straight lines:

Got your solution?

Well, most people attempt to solve it this way:

...Here’s the actual solution:

In the same way that most of us try to solve this nine-dot riddle, too often we create invisible boxes in and around our lives. The lines of those invisible boxes are like big walls- they keep us from seeing solutions and possibilities that might not be as far off or intangible as we imagine they are. No one forces us to create these walls, but we often build them around ourselves anyway- and ironically, they become our biggest blockades on the road to success.

The invisible boxes you build around yourself represent your comfort zone. Often, that comfort zone is defined by your past experiences and sole perspective. Thus, your comfort zone is limited- and when you choose to live in that zone, you can only produce a limited number of solutions to problems, answers to questions, and potential options for the future.

Your comfort zone, unfortunately, is not a place of growth. If it were, you wouldn’t be comfortable in it! Having a comfort zone is necessary because without it, there would be no place or time to rest, reflect, and relax. But the meaningfulness of that rest, reflection, and relaxation can only be put into perspective and truly appreciated when you fearlessly step outside of it.

How do you develop awareness so you can find that space outside of the invisible boxes?

…Shake things up!

Take a different route to work or school; spend the weekend with a new group of friends; go on a vacation alone; find a mentor who has experience in a situation you are working through; ask ‘why not’ instead of ‘why’; find the equation in a story; find the story in an equation.

“You do not become who you want to be by staying who you are”…So what does that mean?

It means in order to become who you want to be and get to the places you want to go, you have to be willing and excited to grow. And if you are going to grow, you’ve got to draw outside of the lines a little bit- even if it is the less pretty, neat, or obvious thing to do.

You'll find that when you allow yourself to draw outside the lines, the dots start to connect.

Controversy!

2009-09-28T09:45:00.003-04:00

I recently had a very long, in-depth conversation with a good friend on a controversial topic. Have you ever had one of those? Where you try really hard to see eye-to-eye with someone else, but for whatever reason you just don’t?

A lot of the time I find that when we are in these situations, we are so busy trying to validate our own point that we don’t truly hear what the other person is saying. When it comes to these sorts of controversial conversations- the ones that make your blood pressure go up, your voice get louder, your body get tense- it’s easy to run from them because they challenge your most deeply seeded beliefs; that can be unnerving and discomforting. But, as easy as it is to avoid those conversations, they are some of the most important ones to have.

It is common to hear others say that they do not like to talk about politics or religion with most people. Well…why not? Is it because those conversations are difficult? Maybe because we aren’t even completely sure how we feel about particular issues related to those topics?

The weird thing is, the reasons we use to justify our avoidance of those conversations are the same reasons why we should have them.

I’ve learned that great change does not come without some discomfort. The discomfort represents the surfacing of questions we haven’t yet asked ourselves about a personal belief. It represents the challenge of really listening to those who have fundamentally different core beliefs. It symbolizes the difficulty that we face in questioning our own assumptions, assessing the accuracy of our beliefs, and finding evidence that better supports a particular point of view.

But we must have these conversations because at the end of the day, they allow us to grow. They make us think twice about a self-imposed perspective; force us to see outside our personal boxes and limitations; lead us to ask ourselves why we truly feel a certain way about something- and how we came to develop that view in the first place.

Having a challenging conversation is just like trying to fit into a pair of jeans from when you were eleven-years-old; the notion that it is “challenging” only means you are growing out of a comfort zone that fit you a long time ago but is now too small for you.

Surround yourself with lots of people who will challenge you…people who will encourage you to have the difficult conversations.

Do your best to be open to hearing them.

Because when you really hear other people, you come to understand them.

When you show that you understand them, they become more open to understanding you.

…And the bonus?
Hearing the hard messages in those difficult conversations often helps you to understand yourself better, too.

* Unpack It *

2009-09-22T13:57:00.002-04:00

I have a confession to make.

Up until this weekend, I still had not fully unpacked all of my stuff from college. I’m serious.

For over a year, I slowly chipped away at boxes full of books and papers, old pictures and cards, an overflowing closet of clothes, and mounds (and I mean mounds) of magazines.

If you’ve asked me over the past year “Melissa, what did you do this weekend?,” I probably said that part of it was spent either spontaneously traveling somewhere or.....cleaning my room.

As I sit here staring at the cleared wooden floor, organized closet, neat bookshelf, and a couple of bins containing well-filed papers, I can’t help but wonder why I dragged the unpacking process out for so long- why I didn’t just get it done as soon as I moved back home.

I could tell you it was because I was too busy with work (kind of true) or that I was away from home many weekends (also kind of true), but that would only be telling half of the story. The other half- the more honest half- is something I came to fully recognize only in the midst of my newly empty, clutter-free space.

The truth is a part of me just couldn’t unpack it all- not because it was too hard a task or because I couldn’t genuinely find time to do it…but because unpacking meant dealing with the realization that I had to move. To be honest, I didn’t really feel ready for college to be over- and I certainly wasn’t sure of where I wanted to go after that.

So, I let my packed boxes linger in my personal space for over a year, hoping that by not unpacking it all, I was making a statement: that the uncertainty about what to do and where to go next was just temporary.

Have you ever put something off for far too long?

Did it involve a relationship with a significant other, a friend, a sibling, a parent? Planning a career change? Making a big decision like whether to go back to school or take on a second job? Finding the motivation to complete a project or paper?

Take a moment now to think about something you’ve procrastinated on or avoided doing altogether.

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Did you think of something yet, or are you putting it off?!

Really, think about it. I’ll wait for you at the bottom of this e-mail.

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Whatever it is that you came up with, here are two important questions to ask:

1.)What excuses have I given myself (and others) for not doing what I know in my heart I need to do?
(i.e. kindly confronting someone who badly hurt you, setting time aside to really think about what you want to do next in your career, creating a budget to manage your personal finances, etc.)

2.) What is truly stopping me from doing it?
(i.e. fear of confrontation, fear of realizing that your current career isn’t the best fit for you, fear of cutting back in order to save or pay off debt, etc.)

These two questions are difficult because they require that you not only be honest with yourself, but that you also take ownership of the fears that are holding you back.

Once you’ve answered both for yourself, it becomes easier to move past your fears. It is almost as though stating them out loud robs them of their strength. When you understand why you are avoiding or procrastinating, it becomes much easier to create a realistic game plan and move to change.

Whatever you are holding on to that is holding you back- whether it be a box full of clothes, old memories, or fears about the future- now is the time to unpack.

Why? Because unpacking is the first step to understanding what you’ve got and where you are right now. And in turn, understanding is the first step to overcoming the fears that are getting in the way of you being able to do whatever it is in your heart you know you need to do.

It feels good to have my new-found space. But the even bigger reward was the clarity I found in the clutter...

That you can't really appreciate what you've got until you unpack it.

It's Not About Effort

2009-09-13T20:47:00.003-04:00

A lot of people believe that success is directly proportional to effort. In other words, if you “work hard,” you will achieve successful results in whatever it is you are working hard at.

There is one major problem with this notion.

What does it mean to “work hard”?

You could be working 80 hours a week. I’d certainly classify that as “hard”…but what are you doing during those 80 hours? Are you checking the same report three times over because you don’t trust the work you did the first time around? Taking twice as long to finish a Powerpoint presentation because you wanted the formatting to be just right? Spending a lot of time simply figuring out what you have to do and deciding how you’ll do it?

All of the above require a great deal of effort. However, putting in a great deal of effort does not necessarily mean you are producing great results. If you spend 80 hours producing a certain amount of work, does your effort alone really matter if you could have gotten relatively the same amount of work done in 40 hours?

Effort is a great thing. It shows the people around you that you care about the work you are doing, which says a lot about your personal integrity and initiative. But, that only gets you half way to success.

The other half isn’t about the quantity of work you are doing- it’s about the quality of it.

The question we have to keep asking ourselves when we are doing anything is “What kind of impact will this action create?” Is the impact positive or negative? Irrelevant or indispensible? Game-stopping, or game-changing?

If a particular action costs more (time, money, or energy) than we are getting in return, we should either:
A.) Not be wasting our time on that action at all, or
B.) Finding a more efficient way to accomplish the action so we can spend the extra (time, money, or energy) on projects that will really make a difference.

Yes, effort matters.

But at the end of the day, it’s not just about your effort-

it’s about your impact.

Your Best Wardrobe

2009-09-07T22:15:00.005-04:00

Happy Labor Day! The blog comes on a Monday this week, but I hope you find it just as "sweet"!

Our friends are some of the most important people in our lives.

Unlike parents, teachers, or even co-workers, the friends we choose are completely our choice. It makes sense, then, that people say: “friends are a reflection of yourself.” Blood, a college degree, or a salary does not bind us to them. Our friends are simply those we choose to be around because they are in some way like us, or because they help us become the people we would like to be.

That’s why it is so important to choose well when we pick our friends. Whether we’d like to admit it or not, they shape who we are. They have an immense pull on how we feel about ourselves, what we come to think is possible, how we view other relationships in our lives, and both the big and small decisions we make each day.

You can be as independent and strong-willed as they come, but there’s no denying it- the people in your life have a huge impact on you. Friends have an even bigger impact because it is 100% our choice who they are.

In a lot of ways, our friendships are like our wardrobes. Some play a bigger role in our lives during certain “seasons”- whether it be the childhood season, the college season, the 20-soemthing season, the family season, etc. Lots of the friendships we collect are “trendy”- for a short time, we want them in our lives every day. But then what happens? After a while, they don’t match our style or fit us anymore.

Most of the people in our lives come and go, and that’s the completely organic nature of friendships. But, there are a select few “pieces” that stay with us forever once they come into our lives. Like a great leather bag or a gold necklace, our best friendships withstand the test of time and get better with age. They become a signature part of who we are, how others perceive us, and even what we are remembered for.

Just like a wardrobe, you’re lucky if you find a few friendships that you want to keep with you forever. They are precious and rare, and when we find them, they become a great reflection of who we are. They come to shape who we are.

Think about your friendships. Are you keeping too many of them around that are “out of season”? Do some of them not fit you anymore? If it doesn’t represent the essence of who you are now, why are you holding on to it?

And for those friendships that most exemplify who you are…are those people aware of how much you value them? Are you doing what you can now to preserve & protect them, ensuring that they withstand the test of time?

It can be challenging to let friends go that once mattered a great deal to us. It can be just as- if not more- challenging to nurture the friendships that matter most…especially as the seasons of our personal lives inevitably change.

Friends are, without a doubt, reflections of us. Just like our wardrobes through the years, friends tell a story about who we were, who we are, and who we one day might come to be.

It’s up to you to decide how you fill the friendship closet.

As for my own wardrobe? I’ve learned that a few timeless pieces are far more valuable over time than a closetful of trends.

Love Life,
Melissa

Step Up The Stairs

2009-08-24T15:47:00.005-04:00

If you know me personally, you probably know how much I love Hamilton College. I love the campus, the friends I made there, the classes I took… it was a life-changing four years, and I am so glad I had the opportunity to go to school there.

What you probably don’t know is that Hamilton wasn’t on my college radar until the very end of my search. Long before I was ever aware of the place that would come to mean so much to me, I dreamt of going to another school: Columbia University. When I was 16-years-old, I stood in the middle of Columbia’s main campus, staring at the steps leading up to Low Library. Except, they weren’t just steps that lead to a library for me; they were steps toward a new reality…toward learning from and among the best and brightest in academia, and growing into the best and brightest version of myself as a result.

So it shocks me now, as I recollect about how much I dreamed of going there, that I never sent in my application. Why? It kills me to admit this, but I convinced myself I had zero chance of getting in (by the way, I almost didn’t apply to Hamilton using that same logic). Yup- at 16-years-old, without even realizing it, I took myself out of the game because I was terrified of losing.

Now fast-forward six years.

As a result of my growing inclination to take a few classes again, I recently applied to the Post-baccalaureate Studies program at Columbia. And- surprise, surprise- I was elated to find out that I got in. Then, naturally, I asked myself the question: “What would have happened had I sent that application in six years ago?”

I’m never going to know the answer to that question. Maybe I would have gotten in, maybe I wouldn’t have. Maybe everything would have turned out differently, maybe nothing would have changed. But, the theoretical outcome isn’t the point. The point is the perspective I chose to take on it all: I convinced myself that only one outcome was possible (not being admitted), simply because the alternate possible outcomes (being admitted) were less likely to occur from a basic probability standpoint.

…That’s where so many of us go wrong, isn’t it?

Too often, we question the ability to make our biggest dreams come true. We fill our lives with doubt instead of possibility. We box ourselves into a realities that are self-limiting. And we run from the opportunity to do something amazing because there’s a greater chance of us failing than succeeding.

Can you think of a time when you’ve done that? Maybe it was telling yourself that you shouldn’t ask out your crush because he or she was “out of your league,” or not asking for a raise that you really deserved because “no one gets a promotion that quickly.” Maybe it was thinking, “There’s no way I could: run a marathon…stop smoking…get to a healthy weight…travel around the world…____fill-in-the-blank____.” Maybe it was simple as using the word “can’t”. In truth, there is always the possibility- however small you think it may be- that you can.

Compile all of the “can’t” stories you’ve told yourself over the course of your life, and then think about the abundant possibilities that you missed out on simply because you told yourself those possibilities didn’t exist. Multiply that by the personal demoralization of your “can’t” decisions. It adds up to a whole lot of amazing things you were 100% capable of doing that never came to fruition as a direct result of you doubting yourself.

So many people are great at dreaming. In fact, you’re probably one of them. If you’ve thought at all about something-anything- you’d like to accomplish in the future, then you’ve dreamed. But the primary factor that distinguishes the dreamers from those who experience the realization of their dreams is the ability to replace “can’t” with “can.”

You may not always accomplish everything exactly the way you imagine that you will, but there’s no doubt in my mind that believing in your ability to accomplish your dreams will ultimately lead you to winning, to success…however that may take form. And what I know now with all my heart is that the worst- and surefire- way to lose is by giving up too soon or never even trying to begin with.

If you want to look back twenty years from now and be able to say, “Was I a success, or what?!,” you totally can. The only thing you have to do is to get rid of “can’t.”

Six years ago, I stared at the steps leading up to Columbia’s Low Library.

But I realize now that it’s not enough to stare at the steps.
You have to find the courage, too, to step up the stairs.

Love,

Melissa

Don't Just Do Something, Stand There

2009-08-16T23:46:00.000-04:00

“Don’t Just Do Something. Stand there.” – Rochelle Meyer

I recently came across this cute play on the much-uttered phrase, “Don’t just stand there, do something.” I briefly chuckled, and was about to keep moving…until I unintentionally heeded the advice and stood there for long enough to realize how relevant that quote is for our world right now.

It’s completely counter-intuitive to several of the absolute founding principles of our country, and many others around the world for that matter: Movement. Progress. Speed.

…but are all of the aforementioned principles necessarily adding to our lives? I’d argue that our “need for speed”- to not just do things, but do them faster- is actually decreasing our productivity. In fact, it’s impacting much more than just our ability to get through our list of to-dos. It affects our mental clarity, sense of wholeness and wellbeing, and sometimes even to a missed- or misunderstood- sense of self.

There are obviously some facets of life in which the craziness isn’t going to dissipate. No matter how much you will them away, there will likely still be a ton of e-mails in your inbox tomorrow; you’ll still have 1,001 things that you want to accomplish this year; you’ll forget something important because your mind is crammed with a gazillion other things, or something trivial will distract you from an important task.

These are all realities, and to manage them, there are a number of great resources out there to guide us. (In case you are looking for one of those resources right now, here are a couple of great ones: Julie Morgenstern’s Never Check E-Mail in the Morning and David Allen’s Getting Things Done).

But there are also times when it’s totally unnecessary- and perhaps even detrimental- to keep moving and “doing” more than we truly need to.

Here are some examples:

Have you ever gone “bar-hopping” on a weekend and thought to yourself at the end of the night, “I probably would have had more fun if I just stayed in one place”? Or tried multi-tasking by cooking dinner and watching your favorite TV show at the same time…only to realize that you overcooked the meal because you were so engrossed in the show? OR (and I’ve done this numerous times), you find yourself leaving your house on the weekend and taking your normal route to work/school when you really wanted to go to a café or a store in the other direction?

…We are overloaded with choices (and the speed at which we process and select from those choices), and it’s imploding our ability to make good decisions and enjoy them.

So what are we to do?

Maybe it’s best to just gather your friends and sit in one bar the whole night so you can use all your energy to enjoy their company instead of moving from one place to the next. To savor the art of cooking or fully enjoy your favorite TV show, and wait to do one or the other later. Maybe it’s as simple as standing there for a minute– before you plug in your ipod, call someone on your phone, or respond to a Facebook post on your Blackberry- to think about the direction you want to go in before you start moving.

Perhaps the best way to enjoy our increasingly crazy, hyperkinetic, insanely fast world is to stop moving. When we are faced with endless options, maybe the best immediate choice we can make is to do nothing.

If we want to grow, sometimes the best thing to do isn’t to keep moving, to keep doing something…

Sometimes the best thing we can do is just stand there.

Surf Camp 101

2009-08-09T22:43:00.001-04:00

I recently returned from a memorable nine-day backpacking trip through Costa Rica. Though there were a number of highlights, one in particular stands out.

After hours of walking under the early afternoon sun, my friends and I stumbled upon Playa Grande Surf Camp. There, nestled behind a rich forest of green plants and exotic flowers, we got ourselves a few long boards and a free surf lesson from the wildly eccentric (and needless to say memorable) owner, Jerry.

I’m happy to say that one of my last days in Costa Rica was spent on a surfboard, happily paddling in the waves of Playa Grande beach with my back to the sun and a smile on my face. Thinking back, I learned a lot about surfing that day.

For instance, if you want to surf the biggest and best waves, first you have to get past the break. In other words, when waves are crashing on you one after the other, you need to figure out how to get beyond the point where the waves are breaking so that you surf on top of them as opposed to having them crash on top of you.

I experienced first hand how quickly you can find yourself in deep water or far from your starting point if you don’t pay attention. Or that, with time, you learn which waves are the best to surf and what it means to “wait for yours.”

Though I was as determined as they come to get up on that board and confidently surf a wave, I learned that you have to fall – A LOT – before you can stand up…and it doesn’t always happen in one day, or two days…or even two weeks. And something I didn’t quite realize before is that so many different conditions need to line up perfectly to get good surfing waves – the swell, the wind, the tide, the shape of the beach itself.

Sitting out in the middle of the ocean on that surfboard brought numerous thoughts about the world and my own personal reality in it to the surface. If you think about it, surfing is quite analogous to life and how we navigate through all of the hypothetical waves that come our way.

Just like surfing, if we want the biggest and best things in life, we have to endure reality crashing down on us time and time again. We have to keep fighting and learn that in order to get past the hard stuff, we’ve got to swim under water for a while.

Just as easy as it is to drift off in the middle of the ocean without even realizing it, sometimes by moving too much or not enough, we drift away from our goals and dreams instead of moving toward them.

Like waves, there are a number of moments in life where we can choose to paddle out in order to catch one…but if we don’t wait and watch for a sign that it’s the right wave, then all we are doing is wasting energy and possibly even missing what we really want as a result of our impatience.

And, in the same way that learning to surf doesn’t come without losing balance and falling off the board first, we don’t ever learn to do anything well without getting it wrong a few times in the beginning.

But, perhaps the surfing lesson I got the most out of that day was this:

Surfing is less about your own energy, and more about how you use the energy of the waves.

It happens a lot in life, and I bet you’ve experienced it personally at least once or twice. We get so wrapped up in our own energy – our talents, our skills, the ability to propel ourselves forward. But in the process, we forget that we are a small part of a world that is much bigger than us. We forget that no matter how strong or determined we are, there are circumstances - “waves” – that we just cannot stop, shape, or even predict.

Just like surfing, we have to paddle confidently in the direction we wish to go. But ultimately, it is the energy of whatever wave we choose to take that truly moves us forward. The thing that causes so many of us to “go under” is that brief moment of hesitation when we realize there is a stronger force than ourselves at play. None of us likes being the “David” while someone or something else gets to play “Goliath”. It makes us feel nervous, inadequate, doubtful…afraid.

But here’s the thing – there will always be forces at play greater than ourselves. It doesn’t mean we should just give up and not paddle at all. It just means that we can only stand up and surf the waves when we accept that there’s a chance we’ll fall.

We may not, as individuals, be the strongest forces in the world. But our greatest gift is the ability to choose – to ride a wave in the first place, or to stand up even if it means we might get hurt. If we do fall, we can choose to get back on the board and try again. And perhaps more than anything, we can choose to trust the waves – to trust life. That when we are propelled in a direction completely different than where we intended to go…there’s a reason for it.

Like surfing, the point to life isn’t the beginning- paddling out. And it’s not the end- getting back to shore. It’s learning to surf all of the waves that happen while you’re out there, in the middle of the ocean that we call life.

So keep paddling.

And remember that the more you fall along the way, the greater it'll feel when you finally land on your feet.

Love Life,

Melissa

Take A Picture

2009-07-26T22:40:00.001-04:00

I’ve always been fascinated by photography. Whenever you take a picture, you are capturing a moment in time that will never again be recreated exactly as it happened in that moment. Pictures become one of the most vivid ways of recalling the past. They help us remember people, events, and periods in our lives that we might have otherwise forgotten or grown to remember differently.

Much like cinematography, painting, or figure-drawing, photography is not just an action – it’s an art. And what makes a photographer a true artist is the ability to take something ordinary and frame it in such a way that it becomes infinitely more interesting and beautiful.

While walking through the city this past weekend, I looked up at the Empire State Building at one point and thought to myself, “So many people have taken pictures of that – and of all those pictures, I bet the building ranges from looking plain and unexciting to breathtaking and awe-inspiring.”

…Life is a lot like that, isn’t it? New York has only one Empire State Building – and similarly, each of us has only one life (…hypothetically speaking. We’ll save reincarnation for another Sunday!). Our eyes are like the lenses of cameras – and our minds are the mechanisms that tell our lenses what to focus on and take mental pictures of.

But how are we framing all the subjects in our lives? How are we capturing the people we meet and the things we experience?
Just like a camera, how we choose to frame things directly determines how the picture will come out.

We can take the simplest, most ordinary moment and make it beautiful – simply by “shooting” it the right way. We can take snapshots of our worst experiences and somehow still find awe and humility in them. And of course, when it comes to the best times in life…if we take time to capture the authenticity of those moments, we’ll remember them vividly down the road.

The best photographers:
- Are thoughtful about how they choose to frame things
- Can spot the extraordinary in the ordinary
- Make the most of the light they are given
- Find beauty in the details

…So go ahead. Take the best pictures you can.

Forgiveness

2009-07-20T18:27:00.001-04:00

Forgiveness.

It’s not an easy action, and is almost always associated with feelings of anger, pain, and/or fear. It is an action that often cannot be justified or rationalized by intellect alone, because there is an emotional and deeply personal component tied to it. Forgiveness, without a doubt, is much easier to say than to do…but it’s necessary to do it more than say it. In my mind there are two major kinds of forgiveness:

The first is forgiving others.

When someone in our lives hurts us, it’s hard to just get over it. It is almost as if a part of us cannot get past the pain unless, at the very least, the person who caused it shows remorse, concern, or takes action to remedy the pain he or she caused. I think it’s because without it, there is a lack of justice or fairness. In any exchange with someone else – whether it is a personal or impersonal relationship – we never want to be the one getting short changed. In other words, we don’t want to give forgiveness when we’ve gotten nothing in return.

But when we think about instances of pain where there is reason to forgive in terms of an exchange, here’s what we forget:

Forgiveness isn’t about letting a hurtful person – or a good person who does something hurtful – simply “get away” with whatever they did that caused us pain. Rather, it’s about deciding for ourselves how we will choose to feel, heal, and deal with the pain that we experience from someone else’s choices and intentions.

We forget that forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves.

When we choose not to forgive out of pride or a strong ego, we are choosing to harbor hatred and resentment within ourselves. These feelings stir and fester, making the initial pain grow into something much worse, something much larger. But how do we just let the pain go? How do we get past our mistrust and the fear of being hurt again?

Well, the answers to those questions comes from a place of strength deep within each of us. Because our management of pain manifests differently within each one of us, we have to first understand how we react to and deal with painful situations before we could ever come up with a tailored forgiveness plan of our own.

But, I do believe that regardless of how we each deal with pain, the roots of forgiveness are always the same.

The ability to forgive comes from:

1.)Being able to love without attachment. Which means, essentially, being able to love with an open heart and let people in without expecting much in return.

2.)Being able to live without expectation. When we do not expect others to behave in a certain way, there is much less room for them to surprise or disappoint us. We can rarely predict in any accurate way how others will treat us in the future, so it seems like lots of wasted energy and emotion to try. That’s not to say we shouldn’t have hopes for how things will turn out…it’s just to say that we cannot expect everything to happen the way we think it will.

3.)Being able to see outside ourselves and our own personal pain. This one is the big one.

When we are wronged, we automatically tend to look in and ask ourselves, “Why me?”…we immediately – and rightly so – focus on our own pain. But it’s in those moments that it is so crucial to ask ourselves: What kind of pain are the others around me experiencing? I’d put money on it that whatever hurt or anger you are feeling, the person who caused it is feeling it in much worse ways, whether you can see it or not. It may be guilt from their realization that they made a bad, unintentional choice. Or, it could be a far deeper kind of pain, like the emotional unrest or internal dissonance of personal values and morals that provide people with the capacity to act in ways that hurt others in the first place.

Here’s an example. Imagine that someone at work takes credit for an important contribution that you made completely on your own after many hours of hard work. Initially, you’d probably be pretty pissed off or hurt, right? I know I certainly would.

But here’s the weird thing about it - regardless of how it may seem or feel to you, 9 out of 10 times the person didn’t take credit simply because they want to make you angry. It’s more likely that they did it out of envy for the quality work you produced. Or, maybe the choice to take credit came out of self-disdain for their own lack of quality work. Either way, the pain they caused probably doesn’t have anything to do with your personal self directly.

We have to look beyond the surface of our own pain and dig deeper to locate the roots of the hurtful actions that others took in the first place. Getting defensive and bitter solves absolutely nothing. It only serves to make the situation worse than it needs to be – not only to you and the person who hurt you, but also to the organization you are both apart of. It’s only when you get at the root of the issue that you have any sound opportunity to get past it and take steps to ensure that the same thing doesn’t happen again in the future.

The second -and I think most important - kind of forgiveness is this:

The ability to forgive ourselves.

Not a single one of us is perfect. We all make choices that hurt others and ourselves. It’s a part of growing and learning. Whether it’s as minor as forgetting someone’s name, or as difficult and life-altering as a disorder or addiction, we must move past our inability to face our missteps out of fear of being wrong or feeling weak.

In order to move forward, we’ve got to:

1.)Come to terms with the actions or thoughts that have caused us to personally hurt ourselves. And…

2.)We must, must, must believe in our ability to change. This is without question a difficult thing to do when we have disappointed ourselves, feel hopeless, or start to get set in our habits. But we have to find that seed of strength in us to believe in our ability to change our self thoughts, change our reality, and thus create a better future for ourselves.

Take a minute to think of something you need to forgive yourself for right now. It could be a small problem or a huge issue, a first mistake or a recurring one.

Now ask yourself,

What is causing you to keep that pain in?

What is keeping you from moving forward?

What story are you creating for yourself about your choices and realities that are holding you in a place of self-inflicted hurt?

Often, the first and best thing to do is something as simple as imagining a different future for yourself. Envisioning a better path or series of choices. Taking time to reflect on your life and your dreams for the future.

But each of us needs to believe in our own capacity to change in order to forgive ourselves and do the things required to actually move forward and upward.

Change is a choice, and our ability to choose is the GREATEST gift we have been given in this life. It only takes one simple choice – to say “yes” or “no” or “I can” or “I will”- to propel you into a new reality.

Who are you now?

Who do you want to be?

If the answers to those two questions are different (and I think for pretty much all of us, they probably are), then make the choice to change. It’s absolutely, 100% in you to change for the better.

Mahatma Ghandhi once said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”

The easiest choice we can make – whether dealing with hurt that someone else has caused us, or dealing with our own self-inflicted pain – is to hold onto it. It’s much harder to forgive others and ourselves because it requires an understanding that life can be messy and it isn’t always fair. But in order to keep moving, we have to make the choice to forgive because we cannot get to where we want to be by staying who we are and keeping the pain of past choices close to us.

Whatever is hurting your heart right now, make the choice to let it go - if for no other reason than simply because you have the strength within you to do so…simply because every movement and feeling is a choice.

Change because you can. Forgive because you can.

Be Gentle

2009-07-13T10:43:00.003-04:00

“Be gentle with yourself. “

It’s the advice that a really wise leader gave me earlier this year, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.

I don’t know about you, but I friggin’ push my personal limits to the max. If you tell me I can’t do something, it just fuels my fire. If I have a spare minute in my day, I need to find something to do to fill it. I’m terrified of failing, but I’ll “just do” most things I’m terrified of anyway because I know I’ll probably kick myself for it if I don’t try.

And this “Anything I can do, I can do better” mentality has worked for me. Except when it completely doesn’t. Because to be 100% truthful, there are limits to what each of us can do…and when we are unwilling to admit that, we find ourselves in less than ideal situations.

Here's a personal example: I was training for about 5 months to run my first 15K race, which was to take place this weekend. But, about 3 weeks ago, I pulled a muscle in my leg that hugely impacted my ability to run comfortably. Of course, I continued to go on training runs until it got to the point where I couldn’t go up a flight of stairs or stand on my leg without it hurting me. Needless to say, it took me far too long to accept that the smart thing to do was pull out of the race. I pushed past my personal limit, and defeated the original point of my goal in the first place, which was to run faster and feel healthier. My inability to be flexible and adjust my goals according to uncontrollable circumstances hurt me. Literally.

Just like my approach to running this 15K, most of the people I’ve had the opportunity to get to know well seem to continuously push their limits in at least one – if not many or all- area(s) in their lives. And I’m going to bet you can think of a few areas in your own life where you keep pushing your own limits, too. Maybe it’s school, your profession, or your approach to love and friendships. Maybe it’s travel, or sports, or seeking out adventure. Whatever it is that you keep pushing yourself to do, you are probably a stronger and more interesting person as a result.

But, if you are a self-pusher, then you know how easy it is to forget that there are mental, emotional, and physical “ledges” – and if we keep pushing, at some point we’ll fall off a cliff.

Sometimes, the smartest, best thing we can do is to know when to ease up…knowing when to let a dream or a goal go. It’s often bittersweet to see that happen because no one wants to face disappointment – especially if it’s self-imposed. But the temporary feeling of disappointment is not nearly as bad as long-term emotional scarring, physical damage, or loss of personal balance.

It’s so important to keep challenging ourselves to do the things that “everyone else” says we can’t do…to break through our own insecurities and accomplish the personal goals that feel so out of reach. But what’s the point in achieving your original goal when it’s at the sacrifice of going against your original intention for setting it in the first place?

When you start to feel like you are pushing too hard, take a minute to stop and think about why. Are you sure you’re pushing for the right reasons? Do your original goals still match up with your hopes and dreams for the future? Are they realistic given your current life circumstances?

Remember what you are living for. Remember what you are striving for. Yes…set big goals accordingly, and believe in your own ability to achieve them. But take time to continuously reflect, too. Take time to let yourself off the hook for mistakes, or slow-downs, or false starts. They happen. Recognize them, grow from them, and don’t be afraid to stop – or maybe even start over again.

You are powerful beyond measure.

But, you also have limits.

So whatever you do and wherever life happens to take you along the way...

Remember to be gentle with yourself.

Luxuries for Necessities

2009-07-06T10:13:00.005-04:00

Isn’t it funny that Independence Day is a holiday we tend to celebrate with lots of people?

When you think of the 4th of July, you probably think of early summer heat; the smell of char-grilled burgers and cold ice cream; beaches and green grass; and more than anything, backyard barbeques with your favorite people. Yes, July 4th, like many other holidays, is spent surrounded by others - and great company plus great weather makes it a fun holiday for sure.

Yet, somewhere in the external noise of this holiday, the “independence” part eludes us. What are we really celebrating? What does “independence” really mean to us? To me, it’s about taking time to appreciate how blessed we are as Americans to have (at least in comparison to most of the world) access to things like clean water, healthcare, education, and food. Things we take for granted every day – from band-aids to textbooks, clothing and nutritious food – are sought and fought after in many other places around the globe.

As we go on celebrating our independence with fireworks and swimming pools, others are searching for scraps of food to feed their families, or working 90-hour weeks so that their children can attend school to have their shot at a better life.

Independence day is not just about celebrating our own freedom to pursue our dreams – it’s about recognizing that millions, if not billions, of other people are struggling in far greater ways to pursue their dreams, too.

Every single person receiving this e-mail has the capacity to give up a luxury (we all have MANY) so that someone else has the opportunity to receive a necessity.

You may think you cannot make an impact, being that you are just one person. You may feel that you’ve got enough problems of your own – so why take on someone else’s, too? But here’s the thing about giving to those who are truly in need: you receive far more gratification than you ever could from a purchase at a mall or another expensive night out.

In honor of your own independence, find a cause you really care about. Think about an issue that moves you.

Do you love science or history? Volunteer to teach a group of inner-city children this summer. Have a passion for fashion? Organize a dress collection party next spring, invite your friends, and donate to a great organization like the Glass Slipper Project (glassslipperproject.org).

If you’re having a hard time finding something to call your own right away, here are two organizations that I really love, and I bet you will, too:

The Fresh Air Fund – introduced to me by a good friend, the Fresh Air Fund provides free, fun summer experiences around the country to almost 2 million children from disadvantaged communities in New York City. These children are rewarded with unforgettable experiences at camps and with host families, developing new friends and mentors along the way. www.freshairfund.org

Pencils of Promise – affectionately nicknamed PoP, this non-profit organization partners with local communities and organizations to build schools for some of the most impoverished and undereducated children, in developing nations around the world. Just to get a sense of how small contributions generate a huge impact, $60 gets an entire classroom of students the books they need for a whole year; $90 provides 30 children with much-needed vaccinations; and for $250, you can pay for one teacher’s entire annual salary. www.pencilsofpromise.org

Independence is a true blessing.

Take a moment alone to soak that in, and then honor it by giving back to those who have less of it.

Love Life,

Melissa

Michael Jackson: Why We'll Remember Him

2009-06-30T17:59:00.002-04:00

This past weekend, people around the world mourned the loss of pop culture icon Michael Jackson. It shocked many not only because he was so famous and culturally impactful, but because it happened so suddenly and unexpectedly.

Over the last few days, practically every car, bar, club, and ipod was blaring Jackson’s greatest hits on repeat. At one point, I had a conversation with a good friend, and he was talking about how he was in disbelief over Jackson’s sudden death. That conversation got me thinking – would the public reaction have been different had there been advanced warning, like there was with Farrah Fawcett who unfortunately passed last Thursday as well after a 3-year battle with cancer?

No question about it – people would have still been devastated, but it would have been a very different kind of mourning process.

A popular question that I’ve heard many times is “Would you want to know before your death when/where/how it would happen?” Jackson’s passing brought this question to mind again. My personal answer used to be “absolutely not”. Why would I want to spend the limited time I had left in a constant state of preoccupation about something unavoidable and unchangeable?

…But this past weekend has changed my answer - of course I’d want to know. After all, the only thing that seems more painful than the conscious awareness- and likely worry / fear- of dying is not having the time to say goodbye and express love and gratitude to all of the people that made living so worth it.

Too often in this life, we take for granted that every day is a chance to tell people how much they mean to us, how much we love them. Do we forget? Does it seem unimportant? Are we afraid?

Sometimes, we get caught up in the little things that matter in the moment- like a stressful project at work, money (or lack thereof), the frustration of being stuck in rush hour traffic or a crowded train, material possessions. These things cloud our ability to assess and reflect on the things that really do matter.

Before people pass away, they hardly ever say they wished they ha spent more time in the office, or had a much bigger house, more clothing, electronic gadgets, twitter feeds, or Facebook messages. No, they usually mention their relationships with other people, measuring their own lives by how much love they gave- and how much they got in return.

I think we spend time worrying and pursuing things that don’t really matter precisely because we think they relate to our relationships. For example, we worry about getting a bigger house because we want our families to be comfortable in their living space. We want nice clothes because we think it shapes people’s first (and often lasting) impressions of us. We are increasingly addicted to applications like MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter because they give us a sense of belonging, importance, and fulfillment as they tie us to our friends, family, and strangers.

However, when we spend the majority of our time on getting a bigger house, filling our closets and rooms with new stuff, sending our friends messages online when it would be a lot easier and more sincere to just call them a lot of the time, here’s what happens: we defeat the purpose of seeking out all these things, which is ultimately to leave a great impression, develop lasting relationships, and to love as much as possible over the course of our lives. Perhaps it’s just a matter of working through the superficial “noise” and bringing the focus back to the things that really matter, like spending more time nurturing our relationships with others… so that if we ever pass unexpectedly, we can rest assured that people know how we felt about them.

That being said, it would be unrealistic to tell everyone, everyday, “Just in case I die tomorrow, here’s how I feel.” That would be somewhat morbid, tactless, and exhausting. We can’t spend everyday saying our hellos and goodbyes just in case.

But we've got to remember that how we live each day is our story. Our choices fill up the pages. The turns we take- both big and small- mark the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. All of the decisions made along the way – choosing to forgive; choosing to let love in; choosing not to let the stress that life deals our way interfere with the things that really matter – they make our stories rich and fulfilling. Just by living and loving consciously, our lives echo the hellos and goodbyes that we’d want to say at the end of each of our lives.

And, like all good stories, people remember them long after they’ve been read.

Michael Jackson lived a life of extremes that most of us will never experience. But his passing came as such a shock not only because it was sudden, but because so many looked up to him and respected him. And while he was a true pop star in a category all his own, we’ve all experienced and can relate- albeit in less extreme ways- to some of the things he did: changing something about the way we look (makeup, ladies?); moving others to tears; impacting friends and strangers alike; having big dreams, pursuing those dreams, living out those dreams; covering things up; making silly purchases (Oh, Neverland); and singing loud and proud on the stage that we call life.

The biggest lesson we’ve learned from Michael is that all of these little things we experience in our own lives make us who we are…and without even noticing it, we gradually- or sometimes quite suddenly- transform into the people we will one day become.

Michael Jackson lived his story.

He lived his hellos and goodbyes.

That’s why we look up to him...

That’s how we’ll all remember him...

And that’s why he will be so missed.

--
Melissa Joy Kong
thesweetsundays.blogspot.com
melissajoykong.blogspot.com

99% Of The Time

2009-06-22T15:04:00.002-04:00

At some point today, you will have a conversation with yourself about something that happened in the past, or something that might happen in your future.

You know what I’m talking about, right? …Replaying a hurtful conversation with a loved one and thinking about all the things you’d change if you could do it over; rehearsing what you will say to your boss about a big upcoming project; imagining what it’ll be like to meet a new person for the first time.

We do it all the time…the re-playing and pre-playing of scenarios in our heads. In fact, I’d say it occupies at least 30% of our waking moments. But think about a few of these conversations you’ve had with yourself in the past. About 99% of the “future” scenarios you think about do not happen exactly as you imagine they would; and you can think about it until your brain freezes, but 100% of the “past” situations/events you replay in your head will never have a different outcome just because you thought about how things could have been different.

So here we are, spending a huge portion of our time worrying or ruminating about events in the past that we cannot change, and events in our future that have very little likelihood of turning out the way we imagine they will.

…you see where I’m going with this. I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t think about the past or the future. Without a doubt, reflecting on the past can be very helpful in changing our behavior patterns so that we can improve the outcome of (or avoid entirely) similar situations down the road. Thinking about the future helps us envision best-case scenarios, which has been shown to increase self confidence and help you feel more mentally prepared going into new things. But thinking about the past/future becomes a problem when we frame them in terms of “what-if” or “I wish”.

If you think about it, feelings of stress and worry all generally happen while thinking about the past or present – we stress about what happened, we worry about what might happen. When you can actually be present and focus on where you are in this moment, those feelings tend to go away.

And we could all stand to be a bit less stressed and worried, right? So...

…When you are out with friends, don’t worry about finding a better bar/event/party to be at. Just be present, and enjoy your company. Ironically, you often wind up having more fun when you stop worrying about where you need to be, regardless of where you already are.

…When you are about to go on a date or have a conversation with a significant other, don’t spend too much time thinking about all of the possible ways it could go. All that does is build expectation, and the chances of other people following the exact script we imagine they will in our heads are slim-to-none.

…When you catch yourself thinking about something regrettable that happened in the past, realize that no matter what you do, you cannot change history. Change the question from “Why me?” to “What have I learned?”

…When you start worrying about what you are going to do with the rest of your life- when you feel aimless or directionless- remember that worrying about the future means you aren’t focused on whatever it is you need to be doing in the present. And it’s the great work you do right now that gets you to an awesome future, no matter what form that future ultimately takes on.

When you start to worry or stress, remember that more often than not, it’s completely unnecessary.

Be where you are.

Be present.

Be gentle with yourself.

Manage your own expectations.

If you can do these things, I bet the past will seem less dramatic and the future will work out better than you’d imagine.

Product Before Brand

2009-06-15T09:43:00.002-04:00

Part of my job in publishing is to develop ideas for new books. In the media industry (amongst many other industries), branding is a huge, crucial part of new product development. Whenever anyone on my team comes up with a broad idea for a new product, the question that inevitably arises is, "What will the brand be?"

For example, if we decide we want to create a health and fitness book, before we go any further, we often have to be able to prove that we have a strong brand to back the product (a popular television show, celebrity/writer, organization, etc).

Without a doubt, branding matters. Study after study shows that people are deeply invested in their brands. Take the alcoholic beverage industry for example- I bet you and most of the people you know have a favorite brand of beer, wine, or hard alcohol that you drink 80% of the time. The same is true for clothing stores, designer labels, coffee chains, airlines, cell phones, morning news programs, shampoo, medicine.....the list goes on and on. Brands matter- and once we choose a "favorite," other brands are hard-pressed to win us over.

But the thing that marketers sometimes forget (and we are all marketers, even if the only thing we are marketing is ourselves) is this:

The product is more important than the brand.

When too much time is spent on the brand, we forgo time spent on the product itself. No matter how great the brand on the cover or label is, if the person who picks up that product isn't satisfied with what's inside, they are certainly not going to pick it up again. And sometimes, it will turn them off from the brand entirely.

...If you think about it, all of us are theoretical "brands". People come to associate us with performing certain jobs, representing particular personalities or lifestyles, having a value. But like branded products, it's not just our cover that matters. If the inside pages of our lives aren't filled with interesting stories and lots of color, who is going to buy into us?

Have you ever felt like you were spending too much time and effort on developing your own personal "brand" that you forgot to spend the necessary time on the actual product? Maybe that takes the form of spending too much money on things that don't make you all that happy just so others perceive you a certain way. Or spending too much time thinking about what other people want you to do in your friendships, relationships, or career instead of thinking about what you really want for yourself.

At one point or another, I think we all spend too much time working on the label- the first few things that people see/learn about us. That might help us catch the eye of a prospective employer, client, or a guy/girl in a bar. But it's sure not going to keep them around if, once you open up, they don't like what's on the inside.

The brand is important- but the product is what really matters after the first few moments.
Create a great "product" first, and the brand will come naturally.

With Love,

Melissa

Too Much Advice

2009-06-07T23:02:00.000-04:00

Advice is what we ask for when we know the answer but wish we didn’t.

How often do you ask for advice? Whether directly or indirectly, you probably do it on a daily basis.

Without a doubt, sometimes it helps to have advice. Perhaps it’s a second opinion on a paper you wrote, or on how you should go about negotiating with a new client at work. Maybe you need a financial adviser for budgeting advice, or your family/friends’ opinion on a guy/girl you’ve been dating.

For the most part, though, no one knows what choices we should make better than ourselves.

If you’ve ever had a hard time making a decision, maybe you disagree. I’d argue that difficulty making choices isn’t the result of not knowing what to do, but rather, fear of consequences, how others would be impacted by your choice, and of the opportunities you might miss out on if you chose one path instead of another.

Nothing in life is ever guaranteed. No decision is foolproof. But with objectivity, honesty, and self-trust, we have a much better chance of making the right choices than we do by looking for advice everywhere but within ourselves.

Whatever questions you have in your life right now – whether it be how happy you are at your current job/school, how you feel about someone you’ve known for a while or a person you just met, how good a friend someone is or how healthy you are living – you know the answers. And even more, you know what you should do about them.

Trust yourself, and don’t ask for advice when you don’t really need it. You already have the answers - just listen.

Music, or Magic?

2009-06-01T09:50:00.001-04:00

Every evening on my way home from work, I walk through the long subway passage to the 7 train on 5th Avenue. But before I start walking, I reach into my bag and pull out at least a dollar, because I know Juan will be there.

For as long as I can remember, he has been on my path home. Juan looks to be about 85 years old, and no taller than 5’5”. He plays his brown mahogany violin, and his black violin case is always open. He lines it with pages from a newspaper and hopes that, by the end of the evening, those pages will be hidden underneath a sea of shiny silver quarters and forest green dollars.

Technically speaking, Juan’s violin playing is…uh, well…not pretty. The first time I heard him play before I turned the corner to hear the source of the sound, I have to admit, I wanted to cover my ears. But then I saw him the following Monday…and again on Tuesday. And Wednesday. And Thursday.

As the days changed, so did the sound of Juan’s music for me. It got progressively more beautiful. I started to listen- started to notice that the consistently similar notes matched his unchanging disposition. I noticed that he would stop playing and look up to say, “Thank youuu!,” every time someone dropped change into his violin case. He has watery grey-blue eyes…deep enough to store many decades’ worth of stories and songs. Like the rings on the trunk of a tree, the wrinkles on his face reveal that he has lived a thorough, weathered life.

I believe his music has gotten more beautiful to me because, after seeing him day after day, I’ve come to understand the meaning behind it.

Juan’s music isn’t bad because the notes are off key and the tempo is wrong. Rather, Juan’s music is good because it tells an important story. It tells of a desire to survive and support oneself, even at the risk of public humiliation; to always show up, even when you aren’t expected to; to march to your own beat (literally), even when no one understands or likes the noise you are making.

Juan’s music is a reminder that we must play the wrong notes to really appreciate how beautiful it sounds when we hit the right ones. That it is better to play our own songs at the risk of not pleasing others, than to play someone else’s songs at the risk of being unauthentic. But perhaps more than anything, Juan’s music is a reminder that we can hear one thing in a lot of different ways.

In the wrong notes, can you hear the moving autobiography?

In the mistakes, can you find the growth potential?

In the breakdown, can you see the beauty?

...In life, just like in songs, we can only truly hear what we are listening for.

When you open your ears, you can hear the music.

When you open your heart, you can hear the magic in the music.

Throw Away The Recipe

2009-05-27T16:27:00.003-04:00

Last week, I had the honor of meeting and interviewing Cathie Black, the President of Hearst Magazines. If you do not know her name specifically, you certainly know of her work – she has been President / Publisher of popular print media brands, including: USA Today, New York Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Esquire, O, The Oprah Winfrey Magazine, and Seventeen. As one of the pioneering women in the media industry, Ms. Black has been both a groundbreaker and glass-breaker during her career, and she is a role model to many, including myself (Which reminds me…if you are a female interested in career/personal development, her bestselling book, Basic Black, is a must-read. Give it a look next time you are at a bookstore).

I interviewed her for a pre-commencement article, as she was chosen to give the commencement address and my alma mater last weekend. While talking about media, the transition from college to career, and life in the Big Apple, we got on the off topic of cooking classes in New York City. She said, “I love cooking. But I’ve never really been someone who measures all of the ingredients out. I just throw a little bit of this or that in, and see what happens.” I asked, “When you are just mixing things in, aren’t you afraid the recipe might turn out badly?” She responded, “That’s what I love about cooking. I love how the slightest change or addition to a recipe can make it taste completely different…That’s what makes it fun.”

...Cooking is a lot like life, isn’t it? With cooking, some folks follow a recipe and measure things out. Others just throw a little bit of this or that in, and adjust as they go. Some go out to get the specific ingredients they need but do not have, others find substitutes or work with what they already have.

I began to notice that one of the keys to Ms. Black’s success is that she conducts business – and her overall life- in the same way that she cooks. What makes Ms. Black a success is that she knows life isn’t a recipe – no matter how perfect you get the “ingredients,” you can never predict how it’ll turn out in the end. She tries a “little of this” and a “little of that,” never letting the fear of getting it wrong or changing it up stop her from cooking up a storm.

There are so many ingredients that go into our lives. How do we choose? How do we develop the fearlessness we need to cook without a recipe and measuring cups?

First thing's first: throw the life recipe away.

Get rid of the notion that life can be full-proof planned or measured– 99% of it cannot be.

Trust your senses to guide you on what you need to add to the mix-

Start with inspiration, commitment, and confidence in your own ideas and dreams(even if- no, especially if- to everyone else, those ideas and dreams seem outlandish),

Blend it with a ‘can-do’ mentality,

Add a pinch of love, a sprinkle of sass, and a handful of courage for good measure,

Top it all off with a layer of faith – it’ll shield you from the obstacles and naysayers that every trailblazer inevitably faces on the road to success.

Like cooking, Every ingredient you add to your life will change it’s overall flavor, so make sure you add the best people, experiences, and attitudes to it.

Add a bit of the expected, a bit of the unexpected…but not too much or too little of either.

Moderation is essential, but so is spicing it up to give life a unique flavor all your own.

It’s easier to add something in than it is to take it out, so take it one step at a time and build on what you’ve got as you go.

Despite the missing ingredients, broken timers, and lack of fire that you might experience while cooking up your best life, you’ve got to keep cooking. It’s the only way to end up with something that will truly nourish and satiate you.

Love Life,
Melissa

Your Biggest Day

2009-05-18T10:13:00.002-04:00

You never know when you are going to have your biggest day.

Think about it: You don’t wake up one morning and think, “Well, today, I feel like meeting the love of my life...Today, I’ve decided to win the lottery...Today, I am going to get discovered on the street and become a famous model/singer/actor/banker/writer, fill-in-the-blank-with-your-dream-here _____________________________________. “

It’s only when you look back on your life that you can think about a moment in time and say, “Wow. That was a big day.” You almost never know it right before it happens, or even when it’s happening.

Unfortunately, we can’t live our lives in reverse! But something I’ve observed through both personal experience and observation: the big moments seem to present themselves most readily when we aren’t expecting, wishing, or waiting for them.

…Easier said than done, right? After all, who isn’t expecting, wishing, or waiting for something? The thing is, life happens while we are busy being passive. And those big, super-fabulous moments in life don’t just come out of nowhere- they come as a result of the small decisions we make everyday. With frequency, our small decisions mold us, slowly but surely, into our future selves. And when we make those small, day-to-day decisions based on who we hope to be in the future, we unexpectedly create opportunities for those big, profound moments to occur.

It’s exciting to think that any day could be a big day – that feeling of possibility when you wake up in the morning knowing that, no matter how well planned out your day is, anything can happen. It’s what drives us all to keep moving. It’s what adds excitement and purpose to a life that can sometimes get routine and predictable.

But don’t forget the little things- the whisper of intuition to turn a corner or explore a new part of your city or town; the courage to laugh at yourself when you do something embarrassing; the choice you make to not stress over something that seems like a big deal now, but won’t really matter in a year.

…You never know when you are going to have your biggest day.

And until it comes, remember: it’s the little things you do today that prepare you for it.

Cut Your Flowers, They'll Last Longer

2009-05-10T22:59:00.003-04:00

First thing’s first: Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there!

I got to spend the whole day with my mom- and when I handed my mom her present, she said, “Oh! I got you a gift, too!”… that’s the kind of mom I have. She gives ME presents on Mother’s Day…amazing. As we headed into the city for the afternoon, I saw her head bobbing while she listened to her ipod. Out of curiosity, I looked over to see what she was jamming to (she’s typically a Beatles/Carly Simon/ Simon & Garfunkel kinda lady), only to find that it was Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies’ - hahaha…and now you all know where I get it from!

At one point during the day, my mom was cutting the stems of her flowers, and she said, “You’ve got to do this so that the flowers last longer.”

At first, I thought it ironic that you had to cut off part of a flower to keep it fresh and get it to last as long as possible. Doesn’t “cutting off” connote a sense of losing something, or having to make due with less? Think about it: cutting an evening short; getting cut off during a conversation; your parents cutting your allowance down as a kid, being cut-out of a once-close friend or significant other’s life, etc. None of these are associated with positive feelings.

But as I watched my mom trim the ends of her flowers, I realized what an important analogy that is for Americans- and the world- right now. We are experiencing the collision of two major cultural phenomena: excess and recession. In an era of gross overconsumption and speed- from skyrocketing obesity rates to rapid technological advancement- the residual stress of our current financial and cultural recession is hitting us all hard.

But something has come of it: we are starting to simplify our lives (albeit by force), both materialistically and emotionally. Much like ‘cutting off,’ simplicity is one of those words that we typically associate with “having less.” But, simplicity isn’t about having less – it’s about getting rid of anything less than the best. This recession has created a cultural shift. The result? People are slowing down, reassessing their priorities, getting rid of the excess, and keeping only the best. Adding simplicity is one of the most liberating feelings in the world.

If you haven’t yet, I hope you’ll take the time to consider what really matters to you, what doesn’t, and how to get rid of the latter so that you have more time to do the things that keep you truly full and happy.

So,

Clean your room.

Throw out all of the things you never use.

Donate the clothes you don’t wear.

Go out one night without your phone. (…I can just hear you gasping at this one. But you don’t really need your phone, social butterfly. Leave it home, just this once. I double dare you!)

Spend an entire day alone with nothing but a journal.

Sit in silence.

Meditate.

Don't forget- that just like flowers, when you cut off the excess, your life becomes longer and fresher.

With love,
Melissa

Impact & Inspiration

2009-05-03T23:44:00.002-04:00

While talking to a friend the other day, she mentioned that she was weighing whether her current job was a good fit. It's a question that a lot of twenty-somethings (along with 30-, 40-, and 50- somethings) have: What the heck am I doing with my life??

It's certainly a loaded question, and some people ask it for years without ever really working towards the answer. There are two things I think about at the end of each day to help me work towards my own personal answer to this big question: impact and inspiration. These two things are applicable to all of the big areas in life, like family, career, friends, romantic relationships, and the self.

1. Impact.
The first part is about your role in each of these areas. Did you do something that had an impact (and to be clear, we are talking about positive impact here) on your family, significant other, employees/employers/colleagues/customers, personal self, friends, or even a stranger? Perhaps you came up with a new idea or finalized a project at work or school. Maybe you sent your best friend a card 'just because', smiled at a stranger who looked upset or angry, called up an extended family member to say 'I love you', or organized a surprise date for you and your significant other. These are all little things- so little in fact, that we usually don't recognize the important weight they carry. As a result, we don't extend those gestures often or soon enough to the people around us. But they matter; sometimes even more when the gestures are small and unexpected. So make an effort to have a positive impact whenever and however you can.

2. Inspiration.
The second part is about the role that external factors/people play in your life. Did you feel inspired by the work you did, the friends you spent time with, the family you came home to, the significant other you talked to on the phone before bed? By inspired, I don't mean you have to feel some life-changing thing from each person in your life everyday. It just has to be a positive feeling you get back from those relationships. If you have a husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend who says negative things about you, that relationship isn't a positive addition to your life. If you have a friend who always expects you to listen to his/her problems but isn't there to listen to yours, you have an emotionally draining friendship. If you don't feel like you are learning anything new from your current job, it's not really adding inspiration.

If, overall, you are consistently uninspired by something, you've either got to do what you can to change it (even if that means being patient enough to let time work its magic), or find a way to extract it from your life and replace it with something less draining and more meaningful. Here's the catch: this second part is STILL about your role. Sometimes, people and events inspire us because they are naturally positive people and events. That aside, not everything/everyone is inspiring all of the time. Often, we have to meet life halfway and find the inspiration ourselves. Not always obvious, but it's always there if you want to find it.

A lot of times, we get bogged down in asking about where we should be that we forget to reflect on where we already are. When you take the time to ask yourself if you've had an impact on- and were inspired by- the most important events and people in your life today, you can reflect and prepare for a better tomorrow. And when you string all of those better tomorrows together, you end up with a very impacted and inspired life...Your best life.

Love,
Melissa

--
Melissa Joy Kong
thesweetsundays.blogspot.com
melissajoykong.blogspot.com

Souvenirs

2009-05-01T11:03:00.006-04:00

I was walking through Times Square on my way home from work the other day, and this guy who was selling souvenirs started shouting, "Only $3! You can't leave NYC without proof that you were here!" Then, I heard two girls talking next to me and one said, "That's not proof -you could buy that online."

...Gone are the days of hard-to-come-by possessions. Thirty years ago, a Yankees cap from the original stadium or a jar of seashells from a Maui beach represented a precious memory, a travel experience, a personal story. Today, with the help of insane technological advancement, you can have either of those things without ever stepping foot in Hawaii or the Bronx. For some of us- or maybe for most of us at some point- this is incredibly convenient and fun. You want a piece of furniture direct from Europe? It's all yours. Want an authentic Japanese designer blouse? You can get it delivered to your doorstep, straight from Japan in a matter of days.

But here's the thing. To get convenience, you surrender experience. You lose the thrill of walking down a 3-ft.-wide side street in Rome and stumbling upon a furniture store that has your dream couch in the front window. You forgo the magic of seeing a gorgeous chiffon blouse on a beautiful Japanese woman,and the excitement of searching all over Tokyo for one just like it... along with the unavoidable, amazing memories that come along with that search. We could all come up with a list of 100 reasons why technology is a remarkable, positive thing. But we think far less often about why it may not be- and there are just as many detriments as benefits, if not more.

Technology isn't going anywhere. And don't get me wrong- I like Facebook, online shopping, and Google Maps just as much as the next person. Hell, I've even caught the twitter bug (twitter.com/melissajoykong). But we must not forget the importance of slowing down, taking a minute to allow for and appreciate the spontaneous moments and emotions that aren't calculated by a 140-word twitter post or a new Myspace layout.

At the end of our lives, we will inevitably ask ourselves, "What do I wish I had done with my time?" And I highly doubt any of us will be saying, "Sheesh, if only I posted more pictures on Shutterbug...If only I spent more time shopping for clothes online." But we might be saying, " I wish I had spent more time hanging out with my friends instead of e-mailing or calling them...If only I had spent less time asking questions on Google and more time exploring the answers in interesting cities and towns around the world."

...Sure, you could buy a NYC souvenir online. But you can't stand amidst skyscrapers, smell roasted peanuts drifting in the early evening air at Yankees stadium, or experience firsthand what rush hour on the 7 train is like (it's awful, but an experience nonetheless!) from your bedroom in Kansas.

The point we miss with the convenience of technology is that the experience is the souvenir. So live to collect a lot of them. And if you ever want a real one from the Big Apple for $3, you can find it on the corner of 44th and Broadway. =)

Love Life,
Melissa Joy

Always Share Your M&M's

2009-04-27T11:01:00.001-04:00

This seems like an appropriate first entry for this new blog, as it relates to first impressions.

Last week when I got on a plane to head back home from D.C., I was having a serious need for sugar, so I broke out a pack of M & M's. Without really thinking twice about it, I turned to the gentleman sitting next to me and asked if he would like some. I had never said a word to this guy prior to me offering him M&M's, but he seemed nice- and hey - who DOESN'T need more chocolate in their lives?

While he looked slightly shocked, he smiled and took a handful. I proceeded to put on my headphones and rock out (as much as one can on a crowded flight, anyway). But something interesting happened when my flight landed. You know how everyone gets real anxious when they land and people stand up in their seats even though they know they are going to be waiting at least another 10 minutes before they can get off anyway? Well, I never really understood that. So I just sat there and closed my eyes, figuring I would get up to get my luggage quickly right before I got off the plane. When I opened my eyes a few minutes later, my suitcase was on the chair next to me. The man that I shared my M & M's with turned to me and said, "I figured yours was the one with hearts on it." (OK, yes there is a heart design on my suitcase- hey, it makes flying a bit more festive!).

The man had no real reason or purpose for getting my suitcase down for me. And I doubt he ever would've done that had I not shared my M&M's with him when I first sat down. But thinking a little deeper about the situation, I realized there are two kinds of nice gestures: the ones with motives and the ones without. Doing something nice for another person because you are hoping to get something in return does not change the fact that whatever you did was, in and of itself, still a nice thing to do. But in the eyes of others, it does strip you of two very important things: credibility and trust.

Yes, it's important to do nice things for others and spread the love. But it's even more important to do it with genuineness- with truly no expectation of something in return. It takes some work because to be honest, giving without any immediate return on investment can be draining! But when you put in the effort to be nice and share your M&M's with someone 'just because'...you never know. That person might just come back around later on to help you with your baggage.

What was the last nice gesture you made for another person without the expectation of something in return? What was the result of that gesture?
How can we remind and motivate ourselves to be more selfless in the future, even when it's not the easiest thing to do?

Melissa Joy
The Sweet Sundays
thesweetsundays.blogspot.com

2009-04-26T11:54:00.004-04:00

The Sweet Sundays

During one of my recent travels, I started thinking about things that I could bring to my life to make it even more fulfilling- my dreams for the future, goals for my career, things I've always wanted to try. Writing more frequently was definitely high up on that list.

But what would I write?
When would I write it?
WHY would I write it?

...I've always believed that the answers to our big life questions are all around us. Often, we look to books, friends, family, television shows, and therapists for answers. But the most honest, simple, non-bias answers come from observation and interpretation of the little things that happen around us everyday. Inspiration is present, all the time - you can find it in your physical environment, the people you are with, the things you feel, see, taste, touch. All you have to do is pay attention.

Here's an example: I was hiking in Patagonia with 12 strangers on an Outward Bound trip this past January. I originally decided to go to Patagonia because I was undergoing a great deal of transition in my life and felt like I needed "answers". Then a few days into the trip, on New Years Eve, a bunch of us decided to start a bonfire to celebrate the new year. I kept turning to my Argentinean friend Manu and counting down to midnight saying, "20 more minutes!"..."10 more minutes!"...."5 more minutes!" Then Manu said, "Melissa, what does that mean? What are you counting down to?" ...To the New Year, of course. And he replied, "But this is your life. Every moment is the start of a new year. Why are you wasting time counting down? The point isn't midnight. The point is this moment. Be here- be present." I can't express what a profound moment that was for me and my search for "answers". By the end of that trip, I realized that it wasn't until I stopped looking for answers that I found the only one I really needed: Be present. There isn't a whole lot that is more important than that. What Manu said was a "little thing", but it had a huge impact.

It's easy to miss these little- but impactful- lessons because we are often too busy getting lost in our own minds for the answers. But when we focus outward, pay attention to the world around us, and stay in the moment, we start living out the answers instead of thinking about them.

That's what I'll write about. The little things.

...I've always felt that, more than any other day of the week, Sundays represent both beginnings and endings. Unlike any other day, Sunday is a time of both rest and preparation; of reflection and prediction. It's a unique day - one that seems most representative of life as a whole. Like Sundays, life isn't just about beginnings or middles or endings. It's about how all of those are strung together to form a life tapestry that you can look back on one day and say, "I created something really pretty."

That's when I'll write. On Sweet Sundays.

...It's easy to forget the importance of the little things. But the little things are the threads of intricate beginnings and endings that ultimately create a life tapestry. This blog is a way to make a bit more sense of all the crazy, amazing, unexpected, emotional endings and beginnings that we experience in our lives, one little thing at a time. I know that just the act of writing this blog will help me find inspiration in my own life. My biggest hope is that reading it might inspire something in you, too.

That's why I'll write. For understanding, appreciation, inspiration.

If you’d like to be part of Sweet Sundays, e-mail melissajoykong@gmail.com to be added. Share it, respond to it, think about it, and write your own story of personal beginnings and endings. I can’t wait to write my own, and to hear yours in return.

Love Life!,
Melissa